You Left Me Right Here... in Just Moments

~Today is probably one of the last nice days of the year and its gotten me thinking about this past year. I know that this year hasn’t been my year. And maybe this will be how the rest of my life will be, one year good, the next year bad. I have been so hurt this past year, through relationships, through work, its just not been my year. I’ve also really been introduced to who are my real friends and who aren’t. and honestly I don’t have a lot of people in my corner. Maybe I’m just not this likeable, maybe I’ve had it wrong this whole time. But it doesn’t matter. I’m really considering if I should just count on spending my life alone. That way I can’t keep getting my hopes up and keep getting hurt. The only problem is I crave human involvement. We weren’t created to be alone. That’s why God created Eve someone for Adam to talk to and bond with. I really miss that and I can feel that it is missing in my life. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, why I’m torn in these two opposing ideals. I just want to be ok. Is that too much to ask for? Perhaps it is, but my heart just aches sometimes, well most of the time. I just want to move on with whatever life I’m supposed to live but not feel this conflict. I know I’m not the only person to ever feel this way, at least I really hope I’m not but wow its not awesome. I really would like to help others who feel the same things that I do, but the only way I could help is if I knew how to not feel this way and to fix it. But I don’t so that would seem counter productive. But someday maybe.

~I have hope that I won’t always feel like this, that one day everything will change. Things will just start falling into place and it would make sense. But so far, that’s just not the case. There are days, weeks even, when I think that things are starting to change, but then something happens. and I’m right back where I started. I’m just waiting right where I was left and I’m just waiting for that out stretched hand to reach down and pick me up and tell me everything is going to be ok. That my life isn’t what it is and that its changing. That its going to get better. That I have someone in my corner to talk to, to rely upon, who will be there for me. I’m sick of being the one no one needs. Who no one cares about until they are the ones that have no one in their corners and they come looking for me. That’s how it has always been since I can remember. I was always the one everyone came to when they really needed someone, cuz guess what, I’m always right here waiting.... I just don’t know if I can do this anymore…