Weekend, yes thank you God in Procrastination Journal

I’m sleeping horribly again.

Like, some night’s it’s 4-hrs. And I can hardly keep my eyes open the next day. I’ll be trying to pre-round, and I’ll write down ins-and-outs and test results that I can’t even read. I can wake up when I go to see patients, at least, but then when I’m back at the damn computer, or at table rounds, it’s just dozing off again.

Caffeine doesn’t help, and worse it makes me pee. I made the mistake of drinking one of those store-frappuccinos (you know, the ones that are not all slushy, just milk-coffee). And the milk got to me that time.

I try to go to bed on time, but it’s always something. I’m watching this new drama that is surprisingly good (in spite of it being / probably because it is just another variety of the good ol’ Hana Yori Dango story, which everyone loves. Actually most dramas are: poor girl meets rich asshole and they reluctantly fall in love. but that’s okay.) Also, I just finished this not-well-written fan-fiction that I apparently couldn’t stop reading until it was after 1AM.

Well.

I’m done with hospital peds after 4 weeks, which means I HAD JUST GOTTEN USED TO IT, OF COURSE, and now I’m on the Endo-Renal-Rheum service. You know what, this hospital has LOTS of girl power. I was here for 2 weeks last ring too, and so far all except one of my attendings have been women! And like there were 3 male residents, but two of them were visiting interns, and the peds resident this is the second time I’ve worked with him, lol! Maybe because it’s a peds hospital? But some of the doctors were med-peds.

Who cares about that

Thursday, the ID consult team came around. We have a very complicated patient who is 19, and had ARPKD or something, but anyway he’s on dialysis and most of his organs are going to shit. I don’t know much about his case, but he can’t get a kidney transplant again for some reason (too sick? not sick enough? idk.) Anyway, he has had positive blood cultures forever for some reason, so ID team is part of the 500 people taking care of him. They had a Care Conference on Thursday and so many people were in his room.

That is not why I care about the consult team coming around. It is because that cute boy WHO I DEFINITELY DO NOT LIKE ANY MORE IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW NICE HIS ARMS ARE OR THAT HE CAN SPEAK RUSSIAN is on that rotation now.

This is not what I should be thinking about. I should be studying. However, on Tuesday during lecture, I was sitting at a back table because I had to leave fast, but he and his good friend ended up sitting there too, and they were talking throughout the whole thing (so much so that the doctor presenting tried to catch them by calling on them to answer a question, like seriously that is some grade-school shit). Also he was very vocal, answering questions in a glib manner, and the whole class clown thing that I liked before was not working for me. Also, I probably wrote about it a while ago, but he might be problematic because we were doing some exercise and he said “why would somebody move for their wife’s job?” which was like, excuse me oh no you didn’t. Because honestly, if you’re not a feminist at this point what is wrong with you? It’s like young people who smoke–like I KNOW you started smoking way after everyone knew that it causes lung cancer, wtf man.

Plus Tuesday evening or sometime? He friend requested me on Facebook. I was half-way excited about it, but also disappointed because I’ve been in the same class as him for 2 years, and was even on last ring with him too, but I guess when he sat at the same table as me, he was all of a sudden reminded of my existence and decided to friend me. When I have been very subtly looking to see where he was in our lectures every time, so I wouldn’t accidentally sit close to him and get jealous over him talking to people near him. Because I’m crazy?

Also, don’t think like “Why didn’t you add him first?” because I don’t add anyone. NOT ANYONE. I only accept. hehe…

Back to Thursday: I saw him when they were not in the room yet, and he was standing just outside the door. I am at a COW/WOW (computer on wheels/workstation on wheels) by the door and the screen blocks me from being seen (well my face anyway, i’m super big so it’s when a bear tries to hide behind a skinny tree. There are only a few fat people in our class so I’m pretty easy to recognize). But anyway I saw him and then they came in and I was doing REALLY GOOD at ignoring him. And not, you know, looking at him but not saying hi, just acting like I was so into whatever the fuck I was halfway doing on the computer that I didn’t even see him come in and I that wasn’t freaking out or putting a lot of effort into staying composed and trying to keep my face from resting bitch face at all.

Despite me not acknowledging his presence, he called my name and said hi as they were leaving, so I of course said hi back. again, I “didn’t notice him” i’m not impolite.

Friday they came back and (unfortunately?) I was in a more visible position next to the senior resident as she was teaching me about stuff. The team started talking, and the resident paid attention, so I went to go read the article. He came in and stood by me and then started asking me what I was reading, then we started talking about stuff. I have no idea what we even started talking about, because my soul was screaming. Ok it’s hard for me to talk to people, because usually i’m worried about offending them or looking stupid or running out of things to say too early, but it’s not usually this hard. It’s not like he was being boring or stupid or anything, it’s just that my brain was like “OH MY GOD HE IS TALKING TO YOU. ON PURPOSE. DON’T SAY SOMETHING STUPID. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MAKE EYE CONTACT LIKE A HUMAN FOR CHRIST-SAKE! OH GOD DON’T STARE AT HIM!”

After a while he said something to the effect of that he would stop talking to me like he thought he was disturbing me or something? I don’t really know. I told him that yeah, he should listen and be involved in the patient’s care. Which is rich because that patient is on my service, they’re just the consultants, but I’m not following him so I had no fucking idea what they were talking about anyway.

Also, he smelled nice? And I am getting really bad at personal hygiene. I don’t think I smelled bad, but god, why did he have to be so attractive? And then the two times I have talked to him alone he’s been really calm and nice?

This is stuuuuupid. I am a grown woman and I have accepted my fate of dying alone and people not knowing I have died alone because I won’t even have family or friends around to notice when I’m sick, and then they will only know when my bills stop coming, and they’ll come to repossess my house and they’ll find my decomposing body.

Maybe Sasha will know, she will live until she’s 100, and probably will keep me in her monkeysphere out of pure pity. She’s definitely not going to let weird spinster Shelby around her kids?

anyway I added him and put him on the acquaintance list because I do with everyone at school and also because why did he add me.

i need to study