4:40
So today I just feel like ranting, My mom and I always get into a little argument at night because our rooms are right next to each other and I stay up super late (depending on my mood) and she wants to close my door because of the light even though she closes hers, so I just said go home mom you’re drunk, sort of as a joke and she goes “you wouldn’t like it when I’m drunk, I’m a mean drunk.” So I just say, if you and dad (my real dad not step dad) were mean drunks why am I a jolly happy drunk? Because when I’m drunk im just living in the moment, its like when I get high, I giggle like a little girl and go off into my own little world and my brain parties while my body just sits there and giggles. And she goes, hell I don’t know you’re just weird.
So the past few days my mood has been swinging wild like between Small-Moderate-Severe depression and it sucks so bad, I think for the most part I’m just missing my friend. I thought that sense it’s the weekend and he doesn’t have school that he would get on but he didn’t last night. Honestly at this point I’m just hoping that he is still alive, like I begged god “I don’t care if I ever play with him again just let me know that he is alive and alright.” This is what I mean by getting super attached, its like they become a part of me and when they are gone there is just this giant hole that sucks all the good out of life for me. I even asked my other Australian friend if he has heard from him and he said no… So last night I just go to bed sometime after 1 AM I think and I wake up around 5, I head over to the gas station and get some energy drinks and then I come home and watch videos and stuff and I still manage to fall back asleep despite drinking like 2 energy drinks and I stay in bed till like 3 again.
I don’t smoke a lot of cigarettes, I’m not addicted and I have probably gone through several packs in my life I just never get addicted for some reason, anyway I smoke one at night just to calm myself down a little bit and it gives me an excuse to go outside on my balcony and enjoy the night and the cool autumn breeze. But every time I smoke a cig I get the urge to burn myself with it, and then my body just fills with adrenaline and if I hold the cig over my arm I just peak my adrenaline rush but sometimes chicken out, last night I just went for it and burned myself next to my old burn mark and now I have a blister there. I honestly want to put another one below it so it will be like 3 dots once this one and the new one I want will heal.
I already spent most of my money this month on stuff and its only the 10th, I just decided that I deserved new stuff, I spent $100 on new clothes and damn clothing is expensive, and around $300 on gaming stuff. I have been watching a lot of Jev’s videos, he is a gamer and he talkes about a lot of stuff in his commentary but he is super funny and an all around cool dude, he is famous for his rage videos where he and his friends would get so angry at video games, I’ll link a video here – Be advised the screaming is loud so headphone users beware. I feel better today though maybe small depression, I’m home alone right now because mother and step father are watching football down at the bar, I didn’t bet any money this time despite winning twice in a row $125 dollars each before.
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