Medisinn & Pilgrimm in 2015

Things are as they have been. Pushing myself in the gym, hitting a wall as far as weight loss but keeping at it. I’ll stay the course of a couple hours of cardio a day, and after I return from Medford I’ll start to incorporate other things, such as yoga and weight lifting. I’m mostly concerned with simply becoming less person for now. I’m at 195, started at 209, and want to get to 180. Once I’m there I can worry about toning out, and afterward adding muscle. Some of my clothes still don’t fit me and it’s driving me nuts!

I’ve still been playing bass. My friend Peter has been helping me out. He tasked me with recording a simple bass line from a video game. Not sure what he wants to do with it exactly yet. I finally hooked up the Lexicon Alpha I bought three and a half years ago. It’s a device that has an input for a mic or guitar/bass that hooks into a computer via USB. After messing with it I think I’ve found settings that work, it’s now a matter of perfection. Before, it was about playing the right notes. Now it’s about playing the right notes at the right volume consistently. It’s a challenge and I look forward to accomplishing it. I want to have a demo created of an original song within six months, either Smoldering or Festering Feelings. Before I can do that, I need to get significantly better at bass. Hopefully I can also save up for an electronic drum kit within that time.

Next week I’m visiting Medford from Monday-Friday. It’ll be hard to catch up with everyone but I’ll try. I may even hang out with Chris and Erica, probably at Sonny’s. I don’t think I’m ready to hang out with just us yet, a buffer would help. I let go of the hate, but it will still take time for things to be normal. Really looking forward to seeing my roommate from Arizona, Elle. I lived there twice, the second time five summers ago. I’ve known her for a decade, though we haven’t been overly close the past few years, much like the handful of online friends I’ve managed to stay in contact with.

For a few years, when I’ve thought about what I’d do in wrestling, it was always to be the bad guy. I felt like that was where I could show the parts of my personality that I’ve kept locked up. I came up with the name Medisinn as a play on words. Someone who would cure what ails them through what ills others. Sinful, as all bad guys in theory are. There was more but that was simply the plan. As I’ve been changing my life, and myself, I’ve found the good guy in myself that I could portray. Each persona is a natural extension of myself, one half of my being. It’s not a character, it’s a portion of me.

Medisinn as I said is the bad guy. Bitter, vengeful, jealous, distrusting. Not above doing what it takes to win and achieve glory, to take what others have for himself. Also, that persona is straightedge. I always thought when I finally got into wrestling, I would go straightedge for good. I did it for a year at one point. I’ve realized that isn’t necessary, that while there are things about alcohol I detest, it’s not the substance itself, but the people who abuse it. I’ve watched my mother deteriorate and become a parody of her old self. I’ve watched co-workers and the woman I love risk their health and the health of others by drunk driving. I’ve done it myself three times. When I’m that person, I’m straightedge. There was a wrestler, CM Punk, who had a gimmick of being straightedge and trying to convert people to his cause. It was a satire of religion and of televangelists. I’m the opposite way. When I’m in that mode, I want to isolate myself from others. I’ll talk down to them about it, but I’m not stopping anyone that wants to drink or do drugs. That just makes it easier for me to get while I want as they ruin their lives. I’d call them sycophants and enablers. I think that would piss off a crowd. To this persona, nothing is sacred. He’s also scathing and hyper-critical.

When I lived in Ashland, my roommate Kasey called me Pilgrim as a nickname. It was mostly because I’m a huge Scott Pilgrim fan and went as him for Halloween that year. I’ve realized recently the name fits. I am a pilgrim in the sense that I’ve traveled far, far away from my home. From Michigan to Oregon, to Arizona, from Medford to Portland. Always in search of something. Peace of mind, success, love, many things. No matter the scenery, my problems remained, the deficits of my character were present. As I’ve matured recently, I no longer try to escape my past, to run from my problems. Now I face them. I’m still on a journey, but instead of running from things, I’m running toward something. I have clear goals and know what I want. I vow to face things head on, honestly, bravely. No longer isolated, I desire to protect those who are important to me and those who live bravely. I’ll stand up to those who would bully or hurt others. I fight to honor that and those which were lost and that and those which should be protected. I’m humbled and take accountability for the things that have happened in my life. I appreciate life and people in general and try to look at things as a challenge. The opposite of the other persona.

I tried to be both of these people, all at once. There was always cognitive dissonance in my life. I cared for those around me but didn’t say it and couldn’t show it. I wanted them to be happy but still felt envious as they loved and I remained lonely. I held onto bitterness and didn’t realize it pushed away people I loved and dug away slowly at my connections. I was torn between wanting to be overly social and connected and wanting to be alone, angry and disappointed by humanity. I had grand ambitions but didn’t put in the hard work to realize them. I’ve realized the need to separate these bodies of ideas. For most people, I think it’s better to keep the bad stuff locked away. Don’t bottle it up, let out your feelings when needed and make peace with the past, but don’t let it be present in your life. It’ll poison everything otherwise. For me though, I’ll have the chance to be a bad guy sometimes and use those negative emotions in an overall healthy way. And when they’re not needed, I’ll keep them locked up.

Wrestling is often full of poor stories told too quickly. Betrayals happen to shock the audience and are then explained in retrospect, often illogically. The two personas of mine are connected. There are reasons that people change. Bad things happen to good people and it can drive them to worsen. A negative, hateful person can realize the error of their ways or be woken up by someone or something powerful enough. It’s real, it’s believable. I’ll take it as far as I can. I won’t sell out a business that I care about. Not for a little bit of fame from a podcast or interview. It’s not worth it to plunge another dagger in a business that honestly is dying. People view it as a joke. It doesn’t get respect. WWE caters to any and every politically correct group. They let any D-list celebrity have a match and win at WrestleMania. The rest of the industry follows suit. I’m tired of it. Once I’m a part of it, I vow to work to change things for the better.

I was supposed to be able to donate again tomorrow, as it had been six weeks since I stopped taking antibiotics for an infection that I developed on my arm near where I donate plasma. It may have been caused by an allergy to the iodine they normally use and exacerbated during my week trip to Florida for training. The quality manager at work apparently decided she didn’t like the way the medical operations supervisor had worded things and made her re-do it. It has to be approved by our doctor, who only visits on Wednesdays. Things were ready, but she made her re-do it and didn’t finish it until after the doctor left, so I have to wait another week. She had a whole week to do it beforehand. I’m tempted to be bitter, but that ain’t right. I just need to let it go. It’s not her fault I put myself in the position of needing that 100 dollars for the two donations I thought I’d get in before going to Medford. It’s not her fault I’m choosing to spend money and time to visit Medford. That’s on me. Her reputation is poor at work now, people think she is far too nitpicky and does things just to create extra work or dig away at people. I can’t say for sure. I think she is a nice person, but it’s hard to deny all the causes for a case against her. She also may be taking a higher-paying job soon, so perhaps that’s part of it. Regardless, there are reasons that people do the things they do. Even good people go down the wrong path sometimes. I don’t want to add to the gossip and scorn. No one is directly talking to her, and that’s not gonna help anything.

I’m still in love with my ex. I can’t lie, part of my motivation lately is improving myself for another chance to be with her someday. It’s still too early to tell if that will fade. Too early to tell if the love is truly genuine or tied to the memories of fun and convenience. I’m going to date again sometime soon regardless. I’ll always love her in some way, she was the most important person in my life for some very crucial months, even if I didn’t fully realize it then. I feel like she’s paying a little more attention, such as liking some things of mine on facebook and whatnot, stuff she never did before. Then again we kept it as subtle as possible while we were together. Still, every time I see something reminiscent of her, I smile. I daydream about simple things involving her, going out to eat sushi or hanging out and watching movies. Those things could happen again. Just as I honestly feel making music and entertaining people could happen, will happen someday. Dreaming of realistic and somewhat plausible things is new to me.