i thought i had killed that in Sometimes I feel dead inside

there were a couple years of my life where i lived in fear, where i was frustrated, where i was confused. probably the most intense time of my life. there was a lot of animosity, and a lot of isolation. felt like no one had my back. looking back no one did. going through that though forced me to change who i was. the person i was needed to change. that weak personality was not fit to live in this world. there was no one coming to save me. i was not special, the good guys don’t win. hell i might not even be a good guy. i remember being laughed at, guys and girls all laughing at me. i didn’t know what to do. i didn’t know what i could do. i was not able to comprehend how everything i was told up until that point was a lie. when it came down to it the strong wins and the weak lose. i had to become more, change what i didn’t like about myself. kill the weakness, it wasn’t something that happened overnight some things took years, some are still a work in progress. the biggest change was mindset, i knew in general what and who i wanted to be. i started acting like the person i wanted to be. even if it wasn’t how i would normally act. there were moments where confidence carried me through situations. even if in my head i was in a full blown panic. i kept it locked in my head and did my best to maintain the course. sometimes i still do this. i’ll be in situations where i will be freaking out in my head but cool as ice to the observer. i ran into a person from this time in my life. i thought i’d never see them again. seeing this person made me think about the person i was when i last saw them. i was incredibly embarrassed, they knew me when i was weak and pitiful. some irrational fear that they would tell everyone i know how pathetic i was then crept nested in my head. i was more surprised at this feeling than anything else. i know if that situation happened i’d laugh it off and agree how sad i was then. that would be it, but the irrational fear was still there. perhaps there is more i need to kill in my rationale.