What the hell is wrong with me? in Safety Net

So today was my grandma’s birthday. She has a big get together every year with her side of the family. Lots of people, lots of food and lots of memories. Today was a big one. Grandma the piano teacher turned 88. I got her a cake that looked just like a piano keyboard with all 88 keys.

My brother and I were always essentially the outcasts at these shindigs. I would help him get his plate, then we’d go sit down. Nobody would ever come talk to us let alone sit with us. Mom always got the afternoon off from having to be at his side constantly. We didn’t mind. This was her time to spend with the cousins she grew up playing with and other family members. I don’t remember these parties before my brother got his first wheelchair. I’m sure they took place, but I was young. I know when I was younger my cousins wanted me to play with them too, but I never did. I wasn’t being antisocial. I wanted to play, but even then I was protective of my big brother and didn’t want him to be alone. Eventually they stopped asking. As we got older things changed. My brother started having more health issues and people would come talk to us a little to at least see how he was doing, but we still spent most of the day on our own. I overheard people constantly (on both sides of the family actually) complimenting my mom about how much she had sacrificed and how loyal I was. When we would get together with my mom’s dad and that part of the family, it was the same thing. My grandpa used to comment about me being a great caregiver and that I’d make someone a good wife some day. Ten years ago I thought it sort of sweet. By the time my grandpa died I was so sick of hearing it that I would get angry and depressed.

Last fall and today were the same. People have gotten so used to ignoring me that I ate alone and spent the rest of the day with the dogs. I wander around the farm alone, overcome by so many memories. I miss him so much I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. This is the absolute worst place I could have come after my brother passed. I knew it would be when my mom said we were coming here for a few months. I didn’t say anything because I knew she wanted to be with her mom for awhile. We’ve been here a year now and nothing has changed. I would love to leave and try to move on with my life, but I have nowhere else to go and couldn’t afford to go even if I had a place.

My family is always telling me I need to get out and experience life. And yet when I talk about how difficult it is for me, my cousins especially, they become hostile. It’s always how they completely changed their own lives and I just need to do something different and stop looking for a handout. My family is very conservative, and then there’s me. They think because I’m liberal I think the world owes me something, that I don’t want to work to get ahead. Sure I’d rather win the lottery and not have to work, but who wouldn’t? ;-) They don’t seem to understand that I was raised caring for someone. I can’t stand seeing people suffer. They complain about welfare fraud and how many people are on food stamps. I don’t say anything because there were times growing up that we were on food stamps and I don’t think anyone would dare say my mother wasn’t doing her best. But in the grand scheme of the government budget, food stamps cost tax payers very little. I would rather my share providing assistance to people that don’t really need it than have one family go hungry. I would rather pay for universal health care than see people that can’t afford to go to the doctor (I happen to be one of those people). Still, everyone thinks that I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

Getting a different job that pays better isn’t an option for me. All of my experience is in retail/customer service. Not a well paying field. I went to college and got a highly specialized degree that I had every intention of using. I had no idea that I would get hurt and not be able to use it. I can’t go back to school because it’s so ridiculously expensive and a lot of schools won’t admit you if you already have a bachelor’s degree. I can’t get help to go back to school because my injury wasn’t disabling enough. Everybody will admit that I can’t use the degree I have, but I can still use my shoulder enough to not qualify. So many problems would be easier to overcome with a little more money, but then money can’t buy happiness. I hate when people say that. Of course it can’t, but it sure helps make happiness more attainable. The people that say that have never been truly poor. They don’t understand what it’s like to wonder if you’ll wake up with electricity and running water. They don’t understand what it’s like constantly living in fear of foreclosure and eviction. The don’t understand what it’s like writing a check for your groceries knowing there’s no money in the account but needing to provide for your family.

I’m constantly being told by everyone to stop making excuses. To stop getting in my own way. Anxiety mixed with depression = being terrified of failure and yet having to motivation to do anything. Combine that with a lack of resources and you’re just fucked. I hear it so much anymore that I’m starting to think so many people can’t be wrong. That they’re right to try to distance themselves from me. That I’m so completely fucked up that I don’t even know what way is up anymore.