A good memory and a good heart are a deadly combination. in Matters of the heart.

Alcohol fueled me last night. Shit got pretty dark honestly.
So I tried to get some closure with that chick that played me. Partially because my rage was triggered by her clearly ignoring me like a cowardly bitch. So let me just fill you in on how it went. Met at work. She approached me. I didn’t think anything of it. Just another person I work with. I don’t typically get involved with people I work with. Never a good idea obviously. Anyway, I closed one night and that’s how we met. I helped her with work and shit and then the next day I was finishing up work and she had to come in early before her shift. She walks up to me while I am putting up a recognition card on the board. She does this…playful punch my side/back a few times and tells me to come outside. I’m like okay whatever I got like half an hour before I can leave due to my mom working later than me. And of course, she asks me for my number once I am out there. I’m like I think it’s attached to my facebook. You know…I didn’t really hint at any kind of interest with my responses. I was just like being nice. Because I am nice. Anyway. She hands me her phone and I add her to my facebook or give her my number…one of those. And she eventually started texting me and talking to me. And of course…Im going to be nice. I have no reason to be mean or anything. But whatever things sorta took off. Things advanced we joked we talked a bunch…all the time. Got food after work and before her shift. You know it just sorta took off. Like things do. Of course I was fairly skeptical about things, because I haven’t dated or anything in so long. Haven’t ever really thought about dating really. Anyway she told me all about herself. She’s seen some shit. And in my typical fashion I was a good guy. I comforted her and shit when she was scared and everything. At one point I closed again and we worked together again and afterwards she tells me shit like “Tonight brought back memories of when I first met you…” And of course I inquired. “I wanted you to ask me for my number so bad that night” “I felt like a loser” I wask why “Cuz you didnt seem like you even cared” “I figured you were taken.” Blah blah blah and shit like that…you know talking about liking me and not understanding how i was single. Talk of building a relationship and future, and shit like that. You know obviously treating it like we were a thing. She eventually tells me how she’s not ready for a relationship, but at the same time is treating us like a thing. Calling pretty much all the time, still meeting up between shifts. All that shit. Then some dramatic shit happened…I dont want to say because…you know…good guy reasons. But she was very scared for awhile. Video calling me every night. Calling me in the middle of the night when she got spooked and shit…and you know what…I answered everytime. I woke up and I stayed up regardless of work for the sake of making her feel even the slightest bit safe or not scared. Because you know…she got me to care. She’s been with pretty much nothing but total shit heads. I wanted her to see that that’s not the case. That you know....good guys exist and that there is soooo much more to relationships and life than that. Anyway…the entire team she has treated it like we were a thing, but clearly I was wrong. She played me. Fucked around. At least one other person. And supposedly is all about someone else and wants a relationship with them…who supposedly is a different person that who they fucked, and they fucked the person again after claiming to regret it and shit…and really just terrible shit. And on top of that after telling me this shit…she decides to talk to me like I shouldn’t be pissed. Like nothing is wrong. Walks up to me at work and tries to act like all is good. Ummm…Bitch you played me. From the get go, I said there are 3 things that will be unacceptable to me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t toy with me. Don’t play me. Bitch you just did all 3 and you wanna act like it’s nothing? And you want to ignore any attempt at talking to me about it and giving me some bit of closure about it? Jesus christ, my entire life has fallen apart around me and I have not once had closure with any of the women ive been with or involved with. I wanted closure god damnit. So anyway…I got drunk after she had been clearly seeing my messages and ignoring them and after working together and her acting like things were fine. I drank tonight....and I messaged her after she got off work…because you know…I WANT FUCKING CLOSURE FOR ONCE. You know, i dont give a shit that she doesnt or didnt want me, I just want to know why she faked everything. Why pretend like I was something. Why feed me all this bullshit? Why even get my attention and get me to care if this was your end game? Just…why? I dont understand how people do this shit. I don’t understand this notion that it is ok to fuck with and toy with peoples’ emotions. Like how does anybody justify that? How does it not make you feel like a shit person? How? I don’t get it. How these people can just play this god damn game when it’s not a game, and continue to want or expect people to give a shit about them and for them to have a future with someone? Like....you don’t deserve happiness when you do shit like that. How can you even remotely feel like people should treat you like anything when you do that shit? Does that make sense? Like you fucking toy with people, then that doesn’t make you worth shit. It makes you the monster, and the reason there are so many beliefs that if Aliens came to earth (intelligent sentient ones…not like xenomorphs even though xenomorphs would be pretty bad too) they would be like whoa....these things are shit…and dangerous…and stupid…we should eradicate them adn start over. Just saying. Like…Idk can anybody explain it to me? Like how that is ever an option to anybody? Like fuck…why do humans lie so much? Like shit…I don’t get it. But anyway back to the tale. I wanted closure so I messaged her…adn she continued to ignore me…so I got angry and tried calling her. She did respond to one of my messages....saying…“I’m drinking with Billy” “Gotta go” Like…ummmm no....you can fucking give 2 god damn seconds to either tell me we will talk about it tomorrow or if you are just the shit person I believed you werent and you’re just bailing out on the person that stood by you while everyone was shitting on you. The person you lead on. Anyway…I got drunk and tried calling again and eventually she answered and basically laughed in my face for being pissed off. Her reasoning for my frustration …she thought it is because she don’t want me. I get that....you dont have to want me....I’d be a shit person if I expected that, but you made me care. You came to me. You approached me. You lead me on and palyed me. You acted like we were a thing. You fed me bullshit. You instigated all of it....I just want to know why you would be so fake with someone like me. Why pretend. Why not actually be honest. Why even bother from the beginning if this is what you were going to do? Why. Now Im not being a whiney bitch and being like why dont you want me I just want to know why you got me to care after I let you know that I havent dated in a while because I dont trust people. Why would you reinforce that belief that I have a hard time trusting people…which is accurate but not, because I give my trust out freely. I will trust you until you give me reason not to. But…when it comes to entering involvement romatnically with someone....I have trouble trusting people....because of shit like this. Is it too much to ask for an answer to that why? Like…why did you even get my attention? Why waste my time with this shit that is so far beneath me? I get it I am the good guy. I made you smile. Laugh. Feel safe. Happy. The list goes on of the good shit I was and did for you....but of course....the good guy for whatever reason doesn’t seem to be much of a treasure as it should be. Good guys arent the goal. People dont want a guy that makes them happy or smile or laugh or cheers them up…people want a project. They want an asshole that tehy can try and tame…BITCHES GUESS WHAT? ASSHOLES ARE ASSHOLES!!! You can’t build anything with these people. These people dont fucking care. They will use you and take advantage of you and do whatever that gets them ahead of the other person. They will tear you down…not build you up. Stop romanticizing this notion of fixing someone. The real goal is to build something with someone. To be happy. This is probably going to be a segway to my next portion....The objective should be to have that person that…betters you. That after a fight or time apart..it just feels good. To find that person that …their text makes you smile at your phone like an idiot. The person that makes you feel safe. Happy. Comfortable. That you can show the side of yourself that you dont want anyone else to see. They understand you and are compassionate. Forgiving. Basically everything I am to the people I care about. You know that will give you a kick in the ass that you need instead of whispering sweet nothings and sugar coating shit.
And this also ties into my wonderful memory. I remember everything. I talked to B the other day a bit, and guess what. Even after everything talking to her was…good. Felt good. I even joked about her likely smiling at her phone like an idiot. Which of course she mentioned that someone saw her and asked what she was smiling at. I know that her and I are....seriously fucked up. But some things with her never change. And I dont think I want anything with her more than friends again, but I can’t deny that there’s something special between her and I. And I don’t entirely know what it is or what it means. But I remember it all. Everything between her and I.
And with that Jassmine is a huge part of my life now. And she has sorta been the goal for awhile. I know Im an asshole for getting involved with someone else since I haven’t been able to be with Jassmine yet. She lives too far away. But her and I talked about shit awhile ago and we both understand that the distance is a bitch and that whenever we do make it to each other that thats when we would look at it as being something serious and taking that step and that if other people come up in the mean time, then that’s ok. But she has been the type of person that really motivates me to try and maintain my foolish and inachievable goal of really making a true difference in the world in regards to how people treat people. I apologize but I am very sick of this notion of it being acceptable to just fuck with people. I understand pain is necessary but as a species....why are we constantly making life worse for each other?

Sorry…time to drink…King out.