Numeral Type Things Should Be Here (Updated) in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

As with many things in my life, I’m having trouble really passionately caring about routines and expectations. So.... title should be the number system I had been hoping to use for all of 2015… the number system I have probably failed to use more than I’ve used it… and instead of thinking “Oh Bother”.... fuck it. A little.

Friday evening was… an evening. My dad came to visit. I love my father. He is, for the most part, a great guy. But… he also tends to rely heavily on alcohol. And he is the type of person who is filled with personal conviction that their point of view is the only one of value. So he comes over, drinks two large glasses of whiskey, and starts going all Doom and Gloom. “The country isn’t as Christian as it should be. Gays are destroying our world. If we could just make everybody moral, we wouldn’t have all of these problems.” Very out of character for me, I shift gears into “Chipper, Optimistic Man” to try to get my dad to see things differently. When he’s talking about “the Apocalypse” and how everything needs to be destroyed… I mention how there is an after the Apocalypse and how we should prepare for the possibility of survival instead of embracing darkness and death. When he’s talking about how the world is a horrible place… I mention how the only true path to change is small community focused movements. It was… I must say… exhausting. I’m having a hard enough time trying to be positive about my own World View Issues and Job Hunting struggle; trying to deal with my Dad’s depressing frame of mind wasn’t helpful. But… it helped because when Wife came home, dad was joking with her and making her laugh and things seemed better. So… I guess there’s that.

Of course, that made my Saturday difficult. Because you can only stave off your own darkness for the sake of another so long. Saturday was just… guh. I was supposed to hang out with a friend… missed the event. I had planned to do a few errands… had no energy or will to leave the house. Just… a day where if I could have… I would have just stayed in bed, wrapped a blanket around myself, cried, and gotten all of the negativity out. Didn’t happen. Couldn’t happen. Besides… I did have work that needed doing! So I gathered myself up and worked on my resume and cover letter for the Keokuk job. I was about to send them off but the job listing also said something

WHOOPS! Hit publish when I meant to hit save. Here’s the rest of what I was trying to say:

I was about to send them off but the job listing also said something about a Keokuk Application Form. I checked their website and no such item was listed or to be found. So… I had to put that application on hold until such time as I could call their office and ask them about it. I really would like the job… hell, I’d like any job but every time I apply to something in my specific field of interest… I really would like that job.

In an attempt to shake myself out of the funk, I turned Comedy Central on and started watching Stand Up Comics. As is often the case… it wasn’t enough. I can remember distinctly the times I genuinely laugh because of entertainment and there aren’t that many lately. Wife came home and started enjoying the Comedy and had some drinks. I decided… fuck it, I’ll imbibe, too.
I was trying to tell her how my day was so negative and crappy and how (either because of or in spite of) I’d even masturbated twice just to try to get some happy chemicals flowing. She was mildly attentive… during the commercials. Another amazing thing to look forward to when she can get away from Wal Mart… she won’t just be “come home, zone in front of TV” woman… she may actually be a human being again. As I’ve said before… I miss my wife. The woman I married has been entirely devoured by this hell-store.

But… she’s drinking a lot and watching the comedy and laughing so… she’s clearly de-stressing from work which is awesome. She actually had a work day to de-stress from… why should I have had a bad day? I stayed home, did nothing, and just felt lousy emotionally… let her de-stress. But here’s the thing… she got hammer-trashed. Like sloshy drunk. And wanted to have sex. I was a little tipsy bordering on drunk as well. At this point, it is about 2am. So… we have sex. We have lots of sex. But she doesn’t finish because she is, like, sorority girl drunk… and I don’t finish because, even if I didn’t have so much alcohol in my system… I’d already masturbated to finish twice that day! So… another in our round of Wife Needs to be Trashed to Sex Her Husband but Nobody Finishes. Honestly, and I specifically said this to her on Sunday, I would love it if I could have sex with my wife again where she doesn’t need to be so crapulent.

Sunday I slept most of the day because… hell, alcohol fueled sex meant neither of us fell asleep until 5 am and (as usual) it took me an hour or two extra to fall asleep. Wife watched X-Files all Sunday since she had the day off.

Which brings us to TODAY!

I awoke several hours before my alarm. Several hours. Which is ridiculous. The only reason to wake up early today is/was to call Keokuk and their office certainly would not have been open before sunrise. I turned off the Pokemon blaring on the TV and switched it instead to an older Canadian Showtime program called “The Hunger.” It is like an incredibly sexual Twilight Zone. While it was playing, I tried to go back to sleep. I couldn’t. Part of it was that my left side was super achey. Leg, back, arm, shoulder, neck.... sore, stiff, achey and couldn’t be cracked. The other part is… The Hunger, in my modest opinion, could absolutely do with a reboot. AND I have a great idea how to do that to fit modern TV expectations. People don’t want anthology programs like Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt anymore… but with the insertion of a connecting narrative, it would be an easy reboot. Add in paranormal investigators, or cops, or yeah… do it like an X-Files thing.

So there I am, fruitlessly trying to get back to sleep for hours. Dozing off for a few minutes at a time but then waking up again. Finally, I chuck the whole thing. If I’m gonna be awake, I”m gonna be awake. Get my suit on, walk out to the living room where Wife is playing on her phone and… I can’t place it. Usual peck on the cheek, hug, “love you, have a good day” from me and… there just… felt like something was off with her. These are the days/reasons where husbanding is hard. Wife doesn’t communicate much… I read into things… I’m already at my limit trying to deal with negativity and things not working out… so I just go to work hoping that… if something is bothering her… she’ll tell me about it when she’s ready.

I get to work and… I don’t know. It was like a switch went off. My surface exterior is still Familiar Me; just under that is still Normal Me… but under that? The darker me started whispering. I know I am dramatic about things of this nature but… hopefully today will explain.
My public persona today was “Professional Suit Wearing Lawyer Man Training New Hire”
Just under that was “Friendly Hard Working Guy Doing His Best in a Tough World.”
But just under that? The new hire, who I see as attractive but not desperately fuckable… seemed.... desperately fuckable. And even there… where normally, even were I a randy little monkey, I’d think “Wow… attractive”… hell, many of you have seen what I would say.... no, today was different.
My eyes hungrily took her in. Her darkish natural red hair; her make-upped face with bright red lips set against a pale but freckled round face; a gold necklace draping over her high neckline disguising the ample size of her breasts. The black dress hugging scintillating areas tightly while remaining appropriate for a professional environment. The hem ending just above the knee where semi-opaque black hose run down her legs ending at cute black high heels. Unbidden, my darker mind thrust the image and desire into my conscious mind… I wanted to thrust my head between her legs, devour her red bush, and lick every inch of her thighs.

Don’t know where it came from. I love my wife. I find my wife very attractive. Wife’s face and eyes are (and this is true) some of the most beautiful I’ve seen on a woman. But… either my darker nature is gaining a foothold or… and I’m just speculating here… perhaps I’m just that sick of seeing my wife only in Wal Mart Uniform or Sweat Pants for the last 4 years. OR maybe it is something else. Maybe I’m so sick of running what feels like a pointless treadmill that parts of my mind/body are just… that desperate for change? Who knows… but it was a bit alarming. I wrestled to regain a more active control but… even many of the female inmates today brought to mind sexual thoughts.

Court took 5 hours (yeah, holy shit!) so I did not have an opportunity to call Keokuk today. I’ll do it tomorrow. The rest of tonight will be laundry, dishes, and cutting a foot of my hair off. Not that I have that much to begin with but I tend to let it grow out fairly long for me. I can never (could never) ever get it to any length that would give me a ponytail, anime hair, or even comic book hair… but perhaps that means the Clean Cut look is best for me.

Last updated September 21, 2015