5:00 PM
I had a bad dream last night, it wasn’t bad as in scary but it was one that was not enjoyable. Most of the day since I woke up has been online playing payday 2 with my friends. Been into it really heavy and not had much time for emotions other then anger and annoyance when we failed a job and small happiness when we successfully completed a job. Around 3:50 I got off for a while, took trash out, filled out papers for a renewal of the rental agreement thing so we can stay another year, and then went to go collect an early supper from Wendy’s but I stopped off at Qudoba, a mexcican food place and got myself some of their mexican gumbo which was quite enjoyable. Then I stopped off at Wendy’s and got a plain hamburger and medium vanilla frosty for mother, a double cheese burger and chocolate frosty for the fat fuck step father and myself a spicy chicken Cesar salad for later.
I go see my therapist tomorrow for the first time in probably over a month. I hate going all I do is tell her how bad i’m feeling and she just says, well what can you do to distract yourself from the problem or some shit like that. ------+++++++++ I have decided something that may sound crazy to everybody but at this point it makes perfect sense to me. I have decided that I am an angel, My mom told me when I was younger that she never thought she would have a son and if she did it would be a miracle ( and she did at 44 - Me) and that god sent me to change her life around, before that she was partying, drugs etc. And she said I was named after Saint Anthony I believe the patron saint of finding things, as in she found her faith even though we are not overly religious. The other thing that brought me to that conclusion was the picture I posted up on my last entry to which I will post again this time, it really connected with me when I read it and now I understand. I was sent here to help change my mothers life around and guide her till death and then my mission would be over and I can return to heaven. My angel soul is too much for a human heart and mind to control and therefor it causes my major problems including the Bipolar depression and BPD. It makes absolute sense to me.
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