Leeds: Off my visit list. Permanently. in Chunky giblets

Well, I’m not visiting the North any time soon. A new drug-resistant form of gonorrhoea is spreading across the north of the UK like wildfire right now, the breakout being centered in Leeds.

Be afraid.

Twelve cases have been confirmed in Leeds and a further four have been reported in Macclesfield, Oldham and Scunthorpe, the cultural equivalent of gonorrhoea itself. Peter Greenhouse, a consultant in sexual health based in Bristol, told the BBC News website: “This azithromycin highly resistant outbreak is the first one that has triggered a national alert. It doesn’t sound like an awful lot of people, but the implication is there’s a lot more of this strain out there and we need to stamp it out as quickly as possible. If this becomes the predominant strain in the UK we’re in big trouble, so we have to be really meticulous in making sure each of these individuals has all their contacts traced and treated.”

Holy shit. No thanks. Hey, Sonja, better pray it doesn’t go further up, eh? Gonorrhoea, by the way, has symptoms that includes a thick green or yellow discharge from sexual organs. A universe of no.

Bwahahahahaha. If ever you needed an excuse to say how grim it is up north, unbeatable Superman gonorrhoea might just be it. Me? I’m never fucking a chick who comes further north from Watford ever again. Well, not without three rubbers and a bottle of absinthe, anyway.

EDIT Gonorrhoea cha cha cha! Gonorrhoea cha cha cha! Gonorrhoea cha cha cha!

Last updated September 18, 2015