4:30 PM
Had a long and good nights sleep last night, I slept in till noon which I really enjoyed. I had to get an oil change today, didn’t take long but it cost around $40 bucks but I needed it done. I done something really stupid the other day, I went to go fill my car up with gas and I got to the pump and I put $20 down (from half tank to full it is usually about $15) so I start pumping and it goes to 10 dollars and stops, I try a couple of more times and it keeps stopping so I go and tell them something is wrong so we move up to the next pump and it goes for a dollar and stops and does it about 2 more times before I brought a guy out to see what the problem was and he was like “Maybe it is just full”.......... It didn’t even dawn on me that it would be full because it takes more then 10. I was so embarrassed.
For a while now I have been feeling severely depressed, like yesterday for more then half of the day I was feeling so down I wanted to cry and just curl up and hide in my bed. Do you know what it feels like to want to die? To think about all the ways you can kill yourself, to search online what is the fastest and painless way to go? Thinking about what is on the other side after you go and (especially) when you are so depressed you think that whatever comes after has to be better than what I am experiencing now? Also thinking about what if you mess up trying to kill yourself and leave yourself severely disabled or physically scarred so bad you wouldn’t want anybody to see you?
It feels like this never ending maze of pure darkness, you can feel your heart beating but you send silent prayers telling it to just stop. and with every beat comes a new wave of pain. I know for a fact that people have it worse then I do but I cannot possibly imagine what is worse then these feelings.
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