1:40 PM
Throughout the day I think of all the things I want to put into an entry in my diary and when I get around to actually start writing I just stop, like I forget everything I talked about in my head. I retreat into my head a lot when I’m stressed, bored, and mainly when I am depressed. I use to do it a lot when I was in school, my mind would just trail off into this day dream fantasy and I wouldn’t even realize I was doing it until I snapped out of it or someone started talking to me. I did that a lot today when I went out with my mother to go eat and stop at the post office, it has been a cool day so far but I have been feeling pretty down today. My mom has surgery tomorrow for a kidney stone and she has to be there at 7 AM, my sister is taking her.
I have been dreaming a lot recently and last night I dreamed I met this guy, we had sex, flew around on one of those hover crafts they use down in the glades in Florida and Louisiana. We got married or at least were going to and he had this necklace that carried some kind of powder he would snort, I did drugs too in the dream, for some reason drugs and alcohol are a common sight in my dreams. I enjoy these dreams even though they have (according to society) taboo features but I really enjoy the friendships I have with the people in my dreams even though I most likely never see them again but I still remember the short fun times we did have while it lasted.
My medicine is pretty expensive today it was around $52 dollars I had to pay and they only give me small amounts because I guess they think I will abuse them. Personally I hardly do, only once in a blue moon I crush up a pill but it hardly gets me high so I usually just leave alone. For the past few days I have been staying up late playing a game called Payday 2 with some people I just met and became friends with. It is a game that focus around robbing banks, stealing drugs and money from gangsters etc and the whole goal is to level up and get better guns and new masks etc. I have been really enjoying the company as I really have no one else right now. Haven’t talked with my “Best friend” in a while and it depresses me even more knowing we are no longer friends it seems. I at least understand why he thinks the way he does and his reasoning for basically abandoning me but it still doesn’t excuse the selfishness of it.
I find myself depressed more often now and on Friday when I see my meds doctor I will tell him about it and try to suggest a different anti-depressant or an increase in Seroquel but I don’t know how that will go with him. Right now I honestly feel like taking a shower and curling up into bed, hiding from the world in my safe haven under neath the covers. Speaking of shower I know how this is going to sound but I got a chair for my bathtub that allows me to sit when I shower and it makes the process much more enjoyable for me and I usually stay in there longer thanks to it, I just remembered however I am doing laundry right now and the machine and I will be fighting over the cold water (I like to take cold showers). Wow I cannot believe how much I had to say, I guess it has been building up and I have really enjoyed it.
Thanks everyone for reading and thanks for your kind comments, it helps me get through the day.
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