walking with night and sleeping when sun comes up in Sometimes I feel dead inside

the morning is just waking people up. the streets are quiet. this walk home has my mind racing. the distraction of being alone is wandering by, making the same tired spectacle that it always does. planting the seeds of doubt as it passes me on the street. looking up at the buildings the sense of being trapped alone in this city of millions, hoping it’s the tequila in my system and nothing of substance. that I’m not reminding myself that I’ve never been in love, that no one has loved me in a romantic manner. that the fairytale that I’ve searched for doesn’t exist, that I’m holding out for a unicorn. I want a cheerleader, someone who believes that I’m worth something, that I can do anything. I’m sick of haters. I’m sick of doubters. it’s funny the few times a year I do feel lonely, it goes away. I laugh at my weakness and continue on. just a random blip in the course of things. makes me want to throw it away and start over. or reinforce a sad realization I don’t want to accept. the breeze feels nice and helps me focus a bit more. this normally bustling street empty save for the occasional taxi. the sidewalks empty except for the few drunks stumbling home and the morning joggers trying to avoid them. my headphones in, playing the sad lonely soundtrack this morning calls for. surprised at my reaction, surprised I even care. my silly emotional portion of my brain driving in odd directions. my rationality trying desperately to rein things in. this girl isn’t anything but a pretty face that was nice to me. I don’t know much about her aside from what’s on the surface. how could there be any feelings? certainly not for the actual person, must be for the ideal creation in my head. breathe a little and try to remember this. it’s better to walk away that continue to think of the idea of her vs the actual person. it’s not fair to anyone involved.

Last updated September 08, 2015