Friendships and I (Socialising and I) in Days of My Destiny

I’ve been writing about all these different things that I’ve been needing to vent about but I haven’t really written about Me. I’ve been meaning to and wanting to but time seems to get more and more precious the older my children get - in other words, logging on here and writing here isn’t really thaaaaat big a priority in my life (the way it was when M was a baby/toddler).

But...... Me. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m thinking.

I’ve got this whole new life happening. It’s not new in every single way, but the new parts are REALLY new, especially to do with friendships, both old and new.

Before we moved to New South Wales, I only ever saw any of my friends about every three months or so. I was comfortable with that. It was easy that way because we could never afford to do anything. Friends would invite me to concerts or to events up or down the coast and I could never really do any of it. Eventually my friends learned that the best way to catch up with me was to either meet me somewhere halfway between our homes, or to come to my place. This suited me anyway because for the life of me, I couldn’t see the point in hanging out if there wasn’t anything deep and meaningful to talk about. I really struggled with “hanging out” with my friends. Then we moved interstate and I had no choice but to see the same people in the same places wherever I went. I got used to seeing people regularly, whether I liked it or not. If I took my children to the park, there was a good chance I’d see someone I knew there, because there was only one park in the town. If I took my children to their swimming lessons, the same mums I’d see at school were also taking their children to the same swimming lessons. So we’d sit and talk while our children took their lessons. It was awkward at times, and sometimes I just wished the earth would swallow me whole, but thankfully the Earth didn’t actually do that, because I met Helen. Helen is an EXPERT at talking about nothing and everything all at once and making it interesting. Through her, I learned to enjoy “hanging out”. At first it used to really bother me that she would just come to my house for 5-7 hours at a time and do nothing but blab on and on about NOTHING. But eventually I did learn that this is what Hanging Out means. You can hang out, talk about not much, and still enjoy each other’s company!!! That’s what friendship is made up of - lots of different things, not just deep and meaningful conversations (no wonder I always felt like I was The Boring Friend).Through Helen, I learned to laugh about the stupid little nothings. I learned to be an idiot again with my friends lol. Helen is the expert of being an idiot and making a fool of herself, hahahaha. For example if she makes a mistake with her speech or whatever, she’ll go on and on about it, like REALLY go on and on about it and make fun of it so that it ends up being hilarious! Whereas I would never do that - but I’ve learned to laugh and know that it’s okay to just laugh at the stupid things with your friends. Somewhere along the line I’d forgotten how to do that. In the third week after moving back I was missing Helen tremendously, because she was the one person in my life who WOULD come over just to hang out. I missed her idiotness and her ability to tell it like it is without thinking necessarily that that’s what everyone else should be thinking. She was irritating at times because she would sometimes get in these moods where she honestly thought that the life SHE has lived is THE best life and she’d get arrogant if I didn’t know some farming/outback terms. She’s raise her eyebrows in disbelief and start explaining things to me as if I was stupid. This was really patronising and I hated it. She also is a very PROUD Aussie, like, racist-but-not-aware-of-it-proud. Sometimes I felt like saying to her, “You know, I grew up in the city but it doesn’t mean I don’t know anything!” I’d get frustrated and want to shout at her that her way of living isn’t the ONLY way of living… but I think she got that.
We had some pretty big disagreements about things, but you know what? Nobody died! She would message me and apologise if there was something that I was upset about and she’d say, “I hope we can still be friends.” At the time, I’d think, “Pffft, what are we, 13?” But IT WORKED. The friendship continued! I realised that I’d probably never done Friendship RIGHT. I’d never really had any disagreements with any of my friends, and even though in high school this is what my best friend and I were known for (to the point where we’d play pranks, pretending we’d had a massive fight just to shock people - lol), I wonder now in my adult life… have I not had any disagreements with my friends because I’ve had this belief that everyone is entitled to their beliefs and opinions? Has it REALLY been that? Or has it been that I’ve been too afraid to speak up and say what I think? (Maybe it’s been both.....) And now that I’ve had an element of REAL to one of my friendships, I’ve missed Helen. I’ve missed her company and her stupid jokes and her availability. I realised just how much she meant to me after I moved back, and I knew that would happen.
And sure, not every friendship is the same, nor should it be, but it’s just been a lesson for me. A lesson to just lighten up a little and to enjoy the smaller moments. (There’s a book called How to Make Small Talk that I was about to buy when I first moved interstate, just so I could learn all this stuff, but I met Helen and I think I’ve learned a lot through her when it comes to small talk!!)
So anyway, I’ve come back with the intention of seeing my friends a lot more often than I ever did. To me, seeing them every three months just isn’t good enough anymore! And maybe to my friends, it never WAS good enough, but they went with it because they love me and care for me and respect me! (Or maybe they were fine with it because I simply WAS The Boring Friend, hahahahahahahaha!) But now, I’m ready to “hang out”, ready to just Be, and ready to be an idiot and have a laugh. Because I have that skill again! I can be light-hearted about things and be things about light-hearted!! (See?!?!? HAHAHAHAHA) I explicitly TOLD my closest friend T of my intentions. She said she is happy seeing her friends usually once a month, and I said, “Yeah but even seeing you once a month will be way more often than I ever saw you before!!!!!!” So it works. As for other friends, I won’t explicitly TELL them, but I’ll just make sure to organise myself and TELL THEM when I want to see them. I’ve done that with my childhood friend S, I’ve stayed in way better touch since I got back - I’ve been sending her messages maybe every two weeks which is HEAPS compared to what I used to do!! (She’s about to have her first baby, can’t wait to meet him!)

So yes..... that’s the story with my Old Friendships.

As for New Friendships, well, I haven’t made any just yet, but I am okay with that. I don’t reeeeeally have time to “make” friends because well… Life.... but I’m comfortable and happy with the people I AM meeting through M’s school. Every Wednesday I drop her off and I stay for their Chapel service. I sit next to a woman, Toni, who at first didn’t really talk much to me at all but over the weeks she has gotten used to me being around and once we got talking she sort of realised I’m alright lol (some people are just like that). About two weeks ago she was holding a scrap book so that opened up conversation and it turned out she was really frustrated that morning because she’d gone to all this effort to make a scrap book for another school mum for her birthday, and then another mum who had insisted on taking it home to write her message in it (as opposed to signing it then and there like all the other mums), had taken it home and BROKEN IT!!!!!!!! So that kind o took our conversations to “the next step” because she was confiding in me and that was nice. And I don’t expect an ACTUAL FRIENSHIP out of our interactions, I’m happy to just be Chapel Buddies and to see each other regularly that way. Her daughter is also called M, which is a nice little thing to share in common.
Then after Chapel on Wednesdays, I hang around for Mainly Music. This was something I was specifically seeking because it was mine and Little L’s thing that we did every Friday down there and it was special for us. It just so happens that the school hosts Mainly Music sessions!!! I’ve met some other mums there, some who have kids at the school and some who don’t. Kirsten is the one I feel most comfortable with and the one whose name I remembered first, because her little daughter (who is 9 months old) really liked Little L’s clothes and she kept tugging on them while we were singing a song, so that’s how Kirsten and I first made contact, we were looking at each other, cracking up laughing, lol. Kirsten lives right near me, in fact she’s probably within 1km of where my house is. Her husband is also in the trade sector so we have that in common. She’s travelled and has an academic career and she’s new to the whole Mum Thing and finds it a bit of a spin-out (as you do, dear, as you do!!!!). There are some other mums there but right now I can’t remember their names. There are some grandmothers that take their grandkids too, and they’re nice to have a chat to. The school chaplain makes tea and coffee for everyone and she’s just LOVELY. I’m getting to know her and feel really comfortable around her. We both have chickens and she also has ducks.
Then on Fridays after assembly, the school has a “Wild Things” session, which is just the name they give to the tea/coffee session for parents (I like that title, lol). I didn’t know about it until recently so I’ve stayed twice so far. It turns out I’m not the only new parent to the school, there have been about 9 new families this term alone!! Two or three of those families have kids in M’s year. I haven’t met them just yet and I might not even meet them (because some parents simply drop their kids off and go - whether by choice or not - or other parents just don’t really want to be a part of the school community in that way and that’s fine, I probably wouldn’t have bothered that much either if I’d never moved away, I don’t know). But I have met some new parents who have kids in OTHER grades. The first week I met a Sri Lankan woman named Manisha, as well as an Indian woman named Aminish (THAT is confusing!!! It’s the same syllables, just mixed around, but they both look alike lol, but I think I know now who is who!). Last Friday I met Sharon, Karen, Roxy and........ I’ve lost the other two names. Oops. Sharon is really lovely and has one daughter in Grade 1. Karen has four children (I think), one is starting high school next year so that’s a big deal for them at the moment. They also are pen pals with a family they know in the Solomon Islands, and Karen says this is of paramount importance, for her children to know that the way we live isn’t how everybody lives (Australia is a pretty comfortable place to live in for most people, financially speaking).

M was invited to a birthday party about three weeks ago at a skating rink (so awesome) and I met three mums there too, they were all really welcoming and friendly. I don’t remember their names now but there’s one I see at school drop-off sometimes and we have a bit of a chat. I will have to ask her what her name is soon!

My old gym instructor is actually a mum at the same school!!!! She got quite a shock when she saw me, as did I lol. I mostly talk to her when I pick up M, and she’s usually chatting with another mum who seems to be a really good friend of hers. I feel like I’m able to be myself around them and it’s nice to have somebody to chat to comfortably. There’s another mum there that I actually met years ago at the local council library!! Our daughters are the same ages. Sadly I just never got her number back then and so I kind of dropped off the radar for them when I moved. I think that by the time I moved interstate, we had already lost contact because I never really attended the library regularly anyway (I went through a really weird phase where I’d run away from new friendships because I didn’t really know how to handle them, and actually I think I stopped going to the library BECAUSE I had met them. Idiot.). She now has a third baby who is under 1, so I don’t see her a whole lot. I see her dad, and in fact he was at the skating-rink birthday party and we had a chat. It’s funny to see how he’s aged and now sports a bit of a podgy tummy, hahaha.

So between my old friendships and new acquaintances, things are balancing out nicely and I am finding that now, after being away for three and a half years, I can relate to people a lot easier than before. I think that before, even though I could present myself well and be friendly, I was sometimes imploding. Whereas now, I can talk and laugh and mean it. And genuinely enjoy other people’s presence and conversation, even if I don’t know them that well. And although sometimes I am still feeling a little awkward on the inside, I now know that other people can also feel the same way, which helps me because I know that I’m not the only one. This is a huge improvement.

Last updated August 31, 2015