My parents are here. I had to make it through a week before they arrived. I’d almost managed to clamber back on the wagon by the time they got here. With some help from Valium.
In this place, this is my blog, so I’m allowed to be ungrateful here. Since it’s the only place in the world I can express myself.
I AM grateful that they came… but they don’t HELP. It’s like they forget what it’s like to have a mental illness, having had some thing or other themselves their entire lives. Or maybe their mental illnesses were not as severe or not the same genre as mine? Suddenly I am supporting THEM and the kids, and myself. Ian has fallen off the planet with man-flu so… I’m still on my own. I feel like perhaps at some point they’ve had a little bit of a struggle and exaggerated the rest because… attention. And I’m bitter because my whole life seems like a competition for who has it worse and I don’t even want to participate in that race. I had it with Nathan, he still tries to play the game. At this moment I am supposedly typing up an assignment while they have fallen asleep on the couch. Miss 7 is sick and off school with a high fever and chest infection so I have spent the last two days sitting with her and homework was impossible. But if she suddenly wakes and needs a hug, neither parent will step up. They’ll keep sleeping because they’re “sicker” than I am.
I feel awful because… I’m not an ungrateful type of person. I’m the strong one. Even now I am slipping into supporting everyone again. But I can’t help feeling taken advantage of… again. I feel like they only came down here to prove how ill they are and shouldn’t I be grateful that they did, given they’re so much worse than I am.
People keep asking me ‘Why don’t you move back home?’
What are the long term advantages of moving home? What will I be doing if I do? Nothing. There is no work and no way to study anything, far less opportunities than here. The schools are worse. I’d be living on benefits sending my kids to school with no future prospects. The main reason we moved was for my health, so I’d be taking a backward step there, and as it turns out, the only positive - having more support - actually means GIVING more support.
I’m just so sad, and this is further proof I’m alone at it. And I’m determined to succeed, but also sad and a little bitter.
In the meantime, I finally got Miss 7’s report from her psychologist. A friend called a service called Baptcare for me (they help families who are struggling and people who disabilities) and since I have her report now (literally the day before they called me) we qualify for support via respite and sensory programs to help with her Autism and coping and .. it just opens up a whole lot of support avenues for us.
The next day, after the temporary relief, a call from Child Protective Services. Someone has reported me.
Great timing.
I asked for a copy of the report transcript under Freedom of Information and through elimination realised that it was the girls father who filed, and that he did so in Miss 8’s presence.
Sigh.
So, now she isn’t coping either and feels responsible for everyone else’s misery.
Baptcare will help though. They can help us.
-SP
EDIT ***********
I lost it when Miss 7 (whom has Autism) wouldn’t take her antibiotics for a chest infection. I have been nursing her for three days now. I said if she doesn’t take it she will get sicker and end up in hospital with a needle in her arm (as I had earlier this year with sepsis) but fuck man, take it if you want, it’s your body. And I went off to my room. Mum came to talk to me and I told her three times to leave me alone for a least ten minutes before she actually left. And then I called Ian. I said I wish I hadn’t asked my parents to come. They actually have no idea and it is more work for me now. I want to ask them to go stay in a hotel.
He said he would call and talk to them. After lots of reassuring words. By god he is a fucking fantastic man and I’m so freaking lucky to have him in my life. He called my dad… and mum took the opportunity to (abandon the kids) and confront me in a corner of my room. I told her twice I dont want to talk about it but she was in the way and I was emotional… so I said… no one is allowed to be sick except her… and she has no idea how much agony athritis causes me, especially when I am flaring.. and I am flaring now because my mouth is full of ulcers and I need to sleep at least 12+ hours a day… but no.. she has a minor cold and THE WORLD IS OVER. Miss 7 has a massive blood nose and is gagging and vomiting in misery and she doesn’t think to bend the fuck down and comfort her at all. She just stands there and stares. and so on. I didn’t let loose but fuck.... i felt like my parents were 50 points lower in IQ than the standard human… and only because they CHOSE to be..
Sigh.
Things are now awkward. And silent. I put myself to bed to type up assignments two hours ago. And although I achieved a lot.. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.
-SP
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