Jayson and I started seeing a therapist together about our relationship. Since I’m seeing my own therapist twice a week, it now means that I am in therapy three days a week. It’s a lot, but if it makes things better I’m happy to say it’s worth it.
The first visit was very awkward, but in a good way. I think first visits sometimes have to be awkward because you have to share the whole backstory about why you are in therapy. The therapist asked me a lot of direct questions that I answered completely honestly. In some cases they were things that I had never really fully said to Jayson.
For example, she asked me how many times I had been unfaithful to Jayson. Jayson knows it’s been multiple times, but we’ve never actually discussed a number. I hesitated to answer, and she said that if I wasn’t even willing to admit that it was a sign that I wasn’t really ready to heal.
She asked us both how committed we were to fixing out relationship, and I answered first with 100%. Jayson then said that he wanted to make a real effort to fix things, but was still about 50% leaning towards leaving me. That’s when I started to cry. He turned to me and said that the decision to end our relationship wasn’t one he was making, but that I had made it when I cheated on him. The therapist asked me how I felt about what he had said and I responded that I know it’s true.
She asked how we both felt about our sex life. Jayson went first and said that he’s generally very satisfied, although sometimes feels hurt that no matter how much sex we have it seems like it’s not enough for me. I said that it was true, and even if I was haven’t sex multiple times a day with many partners I would still probably wish I was having more. But that’s the reason I’m seeing my other therapist. She asked if I would ever be happy with monogamy with Jayson and I said yes. There may always be a little desire somewhere in the back of my head but I am committed to being with just him.
She asked us each how often we masturbate and we both said never because our religions forbids it. She wasn’t going to ask us to question our religion, and I appreciated that. But she did ask me if I thought I would have my sex addiction more under control if I had masturbation as a form of release. I told her that back when I used to masturbate regularly it didn’t seem to have an impact on my craving for sex.
She asked us if we were having sex now and I said only once since I cheated. She asked if we would start having regular sex now that we’re in therapy and I didn’t respond. Jayson said that there are days when he absolutely doesn’t want to have sex with me. She turned to him and asked if the one time that we had sex was good or bad, and he said that it was very good.
I said that I’d have sex any time that he gives me the green light. She suggested we set aside a time this week when we’d have no distraction and commit to having sex and we both agreed.
She asked if I felt more inclined to have sex with other people because I wasn’t having sex at home, and I said no. She gave me what seemed like a skeptical look, but I meant it. My desires to cheat are the same no matter how much I have sex with Jayson.
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