I leave tomorrow with Rachel to drive cross country with her. I am excited about the trip itself because I know we will have a good time together. But I’m also sad about it. I’m sad because I know I will be coming home without her, and I’m sad because I’m going to be away from Jayson for two weeks at a time in our relationship is crumbling.
I talked to him last night about it and told him how much I didn’t really want to be apart from him when he’s still not even sure that he’s committed to making our marriage work. I was scared to even say this, but I asked him if he could tell me definitively if he was going to stay with me before I left, so I wouldn’t have that doubt looming over me while I’m gone. He said he’d think about it.
Then this morning he told me he wanted to consider our two weeks apart to be a trial separation. He wanted to see how it felt to not be together. I started crying when he said that. I told him it sounded like he was leaning towards leaving me and he didn’t say anything.
I blurted out, “If you want a divorce just say so! Don’t leave me hanging!” And I was immediately mortified that I’d used the word “divorce.” I’d never used that word before because I felt like just saying it would make it real.
He responded that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but he didn’t know how many time he could tell me he was giving me one more chance, only to have me blow it again and again.
I was crying and trying to hug him but he wasn’t being very responsive. Finally he said that if I really wanted an answer now, his answer was that he was going to spend the two weeks while I’m gone looking for an apartment for himself and then move out when I get back.
I felt like someone had poured ice water over my head. I said the only thing I could think of, which probably wasn’t the most productive thing to say, “We have three kids together.”
There was what seemed like about five minutes of silence, which really wasn’t silent because I was making a lot of sobbing noises. I told him that I love him. He said that he loves me too but he needed me to know that this problems we’re having are serious and they’re not going to go away just because I’ve been seeing a therapist. He said, “How can I ever know you’ll not cheat on me again?”
And I knew that no amount of me promising that I’d be faithful would matter because I’ve made and broken all those promises before.
I so wish I could blame him for any of this, but I can’t. I know it’s all my fault.
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