another Friday night in The Wanderer

Well I’m typing this in bed it’s about one in the morning. Sorry in advance for the typos. I just have a lot on my mind in regards to men and my future. I usually push thoughts about guys to side because when I think logically about things, guys aren’t of much importance to me in this point in my life, but the social conditioning does affect me I suppose because here I am drunk and worried about my future with men. A) I only have one guy to really compare to and B) I don’t have the urge to be in a committed relationship. So anyway, I only compare my future dude with Dave because he is the one guy I actually married and to be honest I haven’t met anyone I wanted to marry besides him and that is why psychologically the relationship still has an affect on me. Because okay, I married this dude and now we are divorced. I have to constantly question why we married in the first place and why we divorced. I can come up with reasons for both, but the only thing that feels valid for our divorce is that I tell myself he loved his ex the whole time therefore we were not meant to last and now he can be with her. Okay that explains his happiness in terms of relationships, but that leaves me alone. Where do I go next? I didn’t leave for because I wanted to be with another guy (although it probably looked that way at the time to others), it honestly wasn’t. I just didn’t want to spend the rest my life with him. So then I just ended this long relationship with Derek. He is still fully in love with me and I can honestly say he isn’t the guy for me. So am I going to just keep meeting men and realizing they aren’t the one for me? Will I ever feel fully satisfied with a man? Will I ever meet one I want to commit to fully and spend the rest of my life with? Why do I feel like this is of such importance in the pathos mind when in my logical mind I’m so far detached from that notion and I feel it almost juvenile to have these “fairytale” emotions and that feeling of longing for a man/ “soulmate”? I laugh at the thought yet yearn for it at the same time and it troubles me. I haven’t met the right one so I have nothing to relate to, to fully understand what that feels like besides the guys from my past which clearly were not that ideal man. It’s confusing but it’s turned me so against being with any man at this point in my life. But I can’t help but want to experience such a thing, since my whole existence is based on my love of experiencing everything I possibly can in this lifetime, at least in the extent to which my heart desires.