Genuine. in Thoughts.

I’m still staring at blank pages waiting for the words. But they won’t come. And I’m tired of waiting and trying. I’m bone deep exhausted right now and I’m still pushing myself to exist, but its feeling kind of overwhelming and pointless… but underwhelming at the same time.

I realize that my anger is a waste of emotion. The only good that has ever come from my anger is my writing. But I’m just so over it. The only one its hurting is myself. It isn’t helping anyone.

I thought that I’d channel the anger, ride the wave of my rage, and find myself lost in its storm for a while. Why not? I feel so much right now. And anger is the easiest to deal with. Its easier to be angry. At everyone. And thats what I am.

I’m angry at fake friends. I’m angry at my bosses. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at my family. I am angry. So angry. Just so I can cover up the truth.

I’m hurting so badly.

I’m lost in a web of self destruction, and I’m trying to find my way out, while I’m reveling in the chaos. I’m indecisive at best, and I’m letting myself be that way. But I’m so… lost. So desperate to feel anything but the pain that I refuse to feel. So desperate to see something genuine in the world that is made up of masks and agendas and lies.

I’m surrounded by lies. I’m surrounded by empty words. I’m surrounded by… myself.
And it feels so lonely. But I don’t want to feel lonely. But I am alone.

I tried to talk to G about things, get some closure when he was here delivering SOME of my things. (yeah. he didn’t even bring them all. he didnt go through our things and sort out mine vs. his before the trip. he did everything half ass. he obviously didn’t care.) And I guess I got some sort of closure. I guess.

I didn’t get the answers I needed. I never will. I will never ask the questions because I can’t trust his answers to be honest anyway. I walked away from our conversation recognizing one truth.

It doesn’t matter how great of a guy you were, throw in a break up, and you become a liar. a bull shitter. an asshole. And thats okay. I don’t expect anything genuine from you to be honest.

The talk with G was hard. I bared myself a little, not a lot. I know our break up needed to happen. I told him that I just miss talking to him, that I miss his friendship. I told him that I’ve been reading a lot and one of the articles I read was talking about soul mates, and how they dont come into your life easy. How they shatter things. How they leave so painfully and how they change you for the better. I told him that I saw so much of myself in him.

He told me he sees a lot of himself in Abby.

He literally responded to my outpour of my heart to him with another woman’s name. After over two years together, in less than 2.5 months, he’s already into her. Has feelings for her. Likes her. Sees himself in her.

And uses it to slap me in the face.

Then when I talked about if we were going to stay friends?
He said that when I start seeing someone else, it would be awkward for that guy. If he asked if I still talk to my ex.

It was a b.s. response. He tried to turn it onto my life and my situations and him deciding what would be easiest for that. But I can tell when he isn’t genuine. And he’s been a liar for a while now.

Its heart breaking. To realize that the person that I knew, that i fell in love with, that I gave my all and my heart to… he’s gone.

And that girl that was stupid enough to move 12.5 hours away from everything she knew to be with a man she thought was really worth it all?

She’s gone.

Replaced with me. A girl that doesn’t really believe in love yet. Maybe one day I will, but for now? I’m doing my best to try to believe that people are even capable of being genuine… myself included. And I’m just finding it all too difficult right now.

best wishes-
becca