The end of something flawed. in Thoughts.

I stare at a blank screen, waiting for the words to describe what I feel… but I don’t have them.

I thought I would feel more. I thought I’d be broken. I thought I would fall apart. I thought I’d run to a coping mechanism. I haven’t. I am eating. I am not drinking. I am functioning.... Functioning.

I have cried. I have been angry. I have wanted. Wanted sleep. Wanted to lash out. Wanted to feel more. Wanted to not feel anything. Wanted company. Wanted a friend. Wanted for his lips to not have been the last that I’ve kissed. For his hands to not be the last to bring me pleasure. For his heart not to be the last that I have loved.

I have wanted to put aside all the memories. Both good and bad. Because he is a pretender. Not that he lies. But he doesnt realize he is dishonest.
And its okay. But I call Bull Shit.

And I don’t want those happy times tainted by this pain, but everything is blurred. Everything is so confusing right now.

I know I am leaving a lot of gaps. Like the entire substance of our conversation. The entire experience. That left me wanting more for myself. And for myself to stop holding back.

I cant write anymore right now. I will eventually write about yesterday.

For those of you who have been here for me in the past few months, I can not tell you how blessed I feel to have you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

best wishes,
becca