She's in love with me in Adventure Log [01]

Tonight, she confessed again. She asked me whether I remember the last time she did. I knew it was earlier this year. She said it was five months ago. I came back to her life sometime around February when I greeted her for her birthday. After that, we started talking regularly again.

We talk as if we’ve been friends for an eternity (although I have known her for five years). She can tell me anything and everything; both insignificant and serious things. We always joke around with “I love you,” “of course you’re my boyfriend,” and things like that because, well, there is humor to it. But I probably did not realize that maybe, she actually want us to happen.

So tonight, she opened up on how her feelings for me are bothering her. She was hesitant to do it in fear that it might burden me. She knew that I am suffering from mild depression and I have a lot of things to deal with at the moment, so I appreciated the concern. But I asked her to tell me everything that’s on her mind, anyway.

She said she started having a crush on me since last year, and didn’t mind it at first. But then over time, it developed. Although she did confess earlier this year, she did not bring up the topic since then. But tonight, she was reminded that I am about to move to the US. She thought of the time zone difference, and thought that it would hamper our communication very much. She thought it was a bad time for her to have full-blown feelings because of this.

Because of this discussion, I had to think - how do I feel about her?

She said she confessed to me even though she knew I wouldn’t reciprocate, and that made me feel terrible. But I do my best to accept it, and I assure her that it’s not awkward or anything. I guess it must hurt on her side? Being friendzoned, I mean. Another thing is, I honestly appreciate that someone feels this way towards me. And I had this thought that if she falls in love with someone else and moves on from me, I’d feel mildly disappointed. I think that’s kind of selfish of me. But she should be happy, for she deserves it.

I wonder why I haven’t fallen for her. I mean, sometimes I’d want to make out with her. She’s been tempting me at times through jokes, and I just wonder what will happen if I took it seriously. But of course I do not act on it - people’s feelings aren’t a plaything.

It’s been a long time since I’ve fallen for anyone. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Not even sure if I am looking. I want to fall in love. During the time that I was, it felt bitter-sweet because it was one-sided. And now, there’s someone out there who feels that way towards me. I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I am 22 years old. I am curious as to how it would be like. But I don’t want to get into a relationship just because of that reason.

I don’t want to fool around. Or I guess that’s my downfall - youth nowadays get into relationships as fast as they change clothes. I am not quite sure why that is the norm. Am I doing this wrong? Should I be fooling around because my youth permits it? Perhaps to learn life lessons from the experience?

I act as if I do not want to commit to anyone unless I am sure that it’s the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe I should consider trying to fall in love with her? Life is so short, time moves really fast. Soon, I’ll be in the US and my job is going to be a huge time sink. And I haven’t yet experienced some of life’s finest offerings.

I’ve been trying to live my life as cleanly as possible. Maybe there are a lot of things to learn from getting my hands dirty for once.