The Economics of Artistry in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

You know, this whole situation I’m in actually affects me very little except for one way.... financially. Now, I’ve never really discussed money or finances, mostly because I feel like they’re quite possibly the most unimportant aspect of life that people seem to fixate on. This situation is new to me because, for the most part, I haven’t had financial troubles. I’ve always lived modestly whether or not I made lots of money or very little. Indeed, my quality of life and happiness has never really wavered due to either situation.

When I had lots of money, it didn’t make my life easier, and when I had no money (even when I was homeless), it didn’t make me more depressed about my life. Admittedly, there are stressors associated with either one. Having no money and being homeless meant that I worried about things that I usually would not have worried about. But when I had lots of money (at one point, I made more than my parents did), I didn’t know how to deal with it all and I forced my secretary to take responsibility for my finances. That being said, I do not really know how to properly care for my finances.

The times when I made lots of money were because I was either working for the State of California or because I was doing stand-up full-time. One of my only regrets is telling people that I did stand-up; something I didn’t do until I was prepared to retire. My life was so erratic without show-business that nobody questioned the fact that I was gone for months at-a-time to some place outside of their knowledge.

Unfortunately, due to my success, people in my life always assume that I can just jump right back into it. They don’t realize that it took me years to build up the kind of respect and clout that was necessary to be able to demand the terms in which I did. I have been retired for three years, and as successful as I was, it’s not like I’m Dave Chappelle, who has been retired for almost the length of my entire career in showbiz and can suddenly come out of retirement and demand six figures for a show and get paid. My audience has moved on, and while I’m sure some would remember me (I actually get messages on Twitter from time-to-time, especially a year ago when a porn star had mentioned in a publication that I was his favorite comedian), it’s not enough to abandon my current course and try to resume that life.

And there are costs associated with that life, one of the reasons I demanded so much money was to compensate for the expenses it cost me. Traveling is expensive, living in hotels for weeks at a time is expensive, eating out is expensive… and there are other expenses. I was a night owl. I would not go on stage until 11pm or past midnight. After the show, I would always meet with people and venture out to some after-hours situation. It’s worth mentioning that I cannot sleep during the day. Whenever there is sunlight, I’m awake. It’s been like that since i was five. Therefore, I was a professional insomniac for much of that time. So, like any performer who has hours like this, it’s necessary to dabble in pharmacological assistance. It was very rare because I seem to have an amazing amount of stored up energy, but occasional cocaine purchases can become expensive. (If I won’t buy cheap vodka, I certainly won’t buy cheap cocaine.)

There was also the exhaustion of keeping the entire thing a secret. My comedy was based on slice-of-life observations, and those don’t happen when you’re surrounded around stand-up comedians 24/7. All those people do is congratulate each other on their own awesomeness, praise themselves for being so witty and continually develop paranoias that lead to worse behavior than occasional cocaine consumption. I didn’t discuss any of it in my OD because that was where I pulled my stand-up routines. It was really exhausting and much more stressful than financial problems.

But the main reason I stopped was because I was finally sick of putting out terrible art.

Many people thought I was great. In fact, this is the first year since I retired that at least one of my old touring partners hasn’t offered me a spot on his/her summer tour. I hated stand-up after just a few years of doing it and wanted to quit, but people were telling me “Don’t stop! You’re making money at this… NOBODY makes money doing this!” and I believed them. It’s one of the few choices I’ve made in my life that was based solely on finances.

I was going through my iTunes and I came across an album that I’d bought when I was in high school. It was an album by a favorite artist of mine at the time but when I listened to the album, I was so disappointed. It wasn’t good. It was nearly the same thing as their previous album but with a few flourishes thrown in to try and make it sound like an evolution.

As a consumer of art, that is the most disappointing thing: when an artist puts out something purely because they are trying to make money. I know this sounds like a dichotomy coming from someone who listens to Britney Spears, but let me ask you this, do you think Britney Spears really considers herself an artist, or merely an entertainer? They have two different goals. People throw around those words interchangeably but they are completely different.

I was a born entertainer. I can make anyone comfortable and enjoy the time that they are spending with me. But I want to do something more. I want to put my ideas into form. Many entertainers struggle to become artists, some are successful, like Madonna… she walks a nice line between self-expression and entertainment. Some artists are very intriguing, but rarely entertaining, or only are able to entertain while their ideas are en vogue.... think Tori Amos or Cat Stevens....

I’d done everything I could to make my stand-up thought-provoking, challenging and meaningful, but I was tired of it. It’s why I moved toward photography in school. It was artistic content completely removed from my charisma as a performer. It was the way of answering the doubts that had always plagued me: do I actually have any artistic talent?

So when people want me to go back to do stand-up, they’re asking me to imprison myself in the mediocrity that I battled against for so long. They’re asking me to welcome back those doubts and to also disappoint discerning audiences like myself who want something more than an obvious grab for cash.

I’d rather be homeless again.... which might actually come to pass.