I am breathing. I am taking in information. I am not lying to myself. in Stuff about stuff

I am breathing. I am taking in information. I am not lying to myself. I am breathing. I am taking in information. I am not lying to myself.
Mutually exclusive emotions screaming for attention which one wins depends on how well I’m breathing how much I’m paying attention how much my lesser self desires wants needs to explode it all again into fragments that seconds minutes hours days later I will decide to attempt to reassemble because I want this I want to discover my true self not the self that I have put on wrapped around me like a frightened child with a blanket to protect me from the monsters but then the blanket became a crutch and the monsters were no longer real and now I’m more afraid of the things in my head than I am of any actual threats around me when there are no actual threats around me except threats to my security blanket that protects me from my own thoughts from reality from my own actual actions from my own actual choices I have chosen to cling to the blanket like a dying man clinging to a priest while he hears the softly murmured last rites and the last bit of fight drains from his mind and his body and he goes limp and the priest signs a cross and the relatives sigh and murmur and whimper but there is nobody but me to mourn the passing of my own delicate ego to fight and attempt to deny the final crushing blow to the system I have so deliberately selectively meticulously put into place to protect my real self my deep down inside hidden tucked away identity that I have tried so fucking hard to forget exists that I have intentionally hidden from myself because it was easier and safer and less vulnerable that way so I built a system of thought and denial and action and behavior specifically to hide it away and eventually gave into it myself and started believing my own lies because the easiest way to get away with lying is to convince myself it’s the truth but the truth is I’ve been in love with my own version of her for so long and so totally ashamed of myself for it that I forgot that she’s an actual person with actual feelings and that I’m an actual person with actual empathy and that they twisted my head on purpose and that I can let it go if I really truly want to not need to want to if I can face the fear and let it wash over me and let it sink in that I have deluded myself to this degree that they did all of this on purpose that I am a puppet in his disgusting little world and that fighting my own head is precisely what he needs me to do it’s precisely what he did to me so he can continue pulling strings and watching the dance continue and knowing that it’s all for him for his own amusement and his own twisted version of pleasure and I am doing exactly what I was trained to do I am standing by watching letting enabling it happening because that’s how he wants it that’s how he made me that’s what he needs from me so that’s what he taught me that I’m not strong enough that vulnerability is weakness that I’m weak and powerless and I have no control over myself or anything else so I fight my own identity and I bury my real self in lies and half truths and twisted language and I pretend like I’m not doing this precisely because he needs me to precisely because I’m his fucking puppet.