And here I am again in Stuff about stuff

Once again trying to figure out what just happened. Once again feeling the anger wear off and be replaced by some vague shame.
That’s not correct. The shame is very specific. I’m too stupid to figure out what the fuck just happened. I’m too self-centered to immediately be hurt that I shamed her. To immediately want to know how asking a question is shaming. My mind is too clouded with fear to understand how doing precisely what she asked me to do was precisely the wrong thing to do. How this is definitely not the case, but I can’t figure out why. I don’t understand what the problem was. I don’t understand how being careful not to violate her boundaries makes me such a selfish asshole.
That is literally what I was doing. I was touching her, I was feeling how it felt after the things she helped me figure out and connect last night, while being terrified that I would cross a line again, that I would violate a boundary again. When I was touching her and her body responded, I continued to touch her. When her body stopped responding to the touches, I stopped touching her like that. She asked me how it felt. I told her how it felt. She pulled away.
I don’t fucking understand. I don’t fucking understand. I don’t fucking understand. I don’t fucking understand. I don’t fucking understand I don’t fucking understand. I don’t fucking understand I don’t fucking understand I don’t fucking understand I don’t fucking understand I don’t fucking understand I don’t fucking understand fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck