15-07.13.121 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Back to a more “normal” entry this time around.

I am still reading through back logs. :) It is funny… in order to accommodate this, I am often found curled up on the couch with the tablet held as though it were a paperback book. Finally, a young me would have thought upon seeing that scene, Books that you can talk with!

For the most part today was not going to have much to write about! Awoke early, did a shift at work, came back… it is hot as balls outside… it may not be too bad for some people, but with my preference for cold weather… a heat index of 94 with 32% Humidity feels blah. And it is going to be worse tomorrow. Coming home between shifts gave me the opportunity to see my wife a bit today… or at least, see her a bit before she went in to work. Not that I’m surprised nor is it anything I should comment on but… her anger definitely puts me ill at ease. And I think, honestly, that some of the fault in that is on me. She is perfectly within her rights to curse her computer and voice her angry frustrations when her computer does not perform optimally. But… I don’t know… something about her techno-based rage outbursts always makes me concerned.

Seriously, though, I expected today to be a nothing day not even worth a real entry. After Wife went to work, I worked a bit more on Hard Drive Transfer stuff (a tedious process that will take QUITE some time) and I did a little bit more on Arkham Knight (finishing up the game) and went to my second shift.

Of course, I should have expected the day to change at that point. Because Work Crush was in the office. And I can now say that the whole scenario has become officially new and curious. Forgive me as I indulge my academic but rambling nature:
Since getting married, viewing women in various ways is natural. Noticing fashion sense has always been a thing with me; so noticing various women’s fashions is no surprise. However… and here I go prevaricating again… as I was so thoroughly limited in my sexual experiences before getting married… and add the limited experience I have had as a married man… seeing people that I think are beautiful or hot or in some way visually appealing (or sexually stimulating) is nothing new. For example… Work Hawaiian… I’m not sitting around having sexual fantasies about the poor girl, but I definitely think she is a very attractive young woman. The reason Work Crush is so different is… it is sincerely more than that. When I’m spending time with her at work, my thoughts aren’t “We should get a beer, see what happens” and my thoughts are not “It would be nice to see what we could do to each other.” I genuinely thought today I would love to take her out to dinner, maybe a walk around the park, and just kiss her goodnight. I’m having literal dating fantasies… that is… different for me. At least… since I’ve been married. Oh sexual fantasies or dating fantasies involving strangers or made-up people or whatever is one thing but.....since getting married, I honestly can’t remember having an urge to simply… go on a date with someone.

It kind of worries me. Sexual fantasies are easily ignored and ridiculously easily explained. Biological Imperative + Curiosity Born from Limited Experience multiplied by Unaffectionate Non Sexual Marriage. All of that is easily dealt with because I know (where) it comes from (why) it happens and largely… I’ve been dealing with not listening to my sexual urges and desires for almost two decades. I can ignore my libido easily (or at least, ignore it in such a way as to not follow it into danger; only follow it into masturbation). But this new added element? This… actually wanting to go on a date… have a relationship? I would speculate that similar to sexual fantasies; the desire in question is born of a feeling that something is missing. It would certainly be obvious that my marriage is missing a number of elements besides the sexual… a sense of support, friendship, empathy… it is easy to understand that my marriage has significant problems in the relationship department… but this is the first time an individual that I’ve met has made me feel like this.

Obviously, I shall do nothing. Marriage is a Relay Marathon not an Individual Sprint. Even if my partner can’t run as far or as fast; this is who I chose to run the race with… I’ve got to see it through. But… added experiences… new things… worth noting.

The rest of the night looks fairly straight forward. Bank, Hiding in Air Conditioning, Finishing Arkham Knight. I hope to work some more on my Naughty Prosebox Book. I had a lot of stuff going on my laptop before it died and (agonizingly) none of it got saved!!!!!! I am always reluctant to start something over as… especially in those stories… the moment matters so much more than the work. But… hopefully, gearing back up will bring some of those stories back to mind.