I am really feeling down right now. My emotions seem to be all over the place these days. One moment I am at peace with everything and the next minute I am depressed over it all. None of these emotions make any sense to me. This is really hard riding the emotional roller coaster.
For the life of me I can not even understand why I am letting any of this get to me. It is just really hard for me to put all of my emotions and feelings into a company and now the owner and his son in law are trying to make me look like I am the bad one. I’m crushed, truly crushed that all of this had to come to this.
I am trying so hard to not fall into the victim mentality. I am trying to be a survivor, but at times I just can’t help it. I don’t understand why or how all of this happen. He promised me so many things. I stayed so long for these reasons. I worked to build the company up based on these promises.
In March of 2014 I finally pushed that I wanted our agreements in writing. He was always making promises and then changing them over and over again. We would go with one agreement for a while and then he would say he came up with something else. I asked him so many times why do you say something if you don’t mean it or see you are changing it again. All I wanted to know the entire time is what the heck the long term agreement was going to be. It is not that he didn’t keep the agreements that he made at the time, it was just they changed all the time. It was so confusing.
One minutes I was going to be partner, then the next it was I’ll give you this bonus or that bonus, but if you marry me you can have 1/2 and the last time it was you can have it all. I just couldn’t do it anymore. This was so difficult to go through over the years. My daughter worked there and what ever I decided was going to effect her as well. They ended up terminating her shortly after I left in retaliation for me leaving.
Today I am feeling like this is the most f’ed up shit I have ever experienced in my life. I am trying to make sense of it all. Why do people think it is ok to do this to people, but more importantly why in my messed up head do I still care and don’t want to destroy him or the company. It is crazy. He doesn’t care about what he has done to me over the years. He doesn’t care that he went to the hearing yesterday and acted stupid with the “I don’t remembers.” You don’t remember!!!???? You are trying to say I took bonus checks that were not authorized from a company the I felt was someday going to be my own. Why would I steal from a company that I thought would be mine one day. My mission was to build the company into a huge success. All of this makes me sick to my stomach.
I have to quit being the nice girl and get out of the we are all human mind set. I need to understand that some people are just manipulators and no matter how much I care or no matter what I do, they always will be. He knows I never took bonus check that were unauthorized. My bonus checks were always separated from my paychecks to keep track of them. I never put my bonuses in with my regular pay.
I find myself saying the serenity prayer over and over again until it finally clicks in my head. Some people are just nasty and this is the guy who thought he loved me so much that he wanted to cook for me, give me massages on a nightly basis, and wanted me to go away with him for two weeks. He even asked me to go on family vacations with him, which I never would. Like are you serious?! That was just to out of the ball park for me. Totally twisted.
I can not wait to go see this sexual harassment counselor on Tuesday. I really need to figure out how to heal from all of this and to get my mind in check to everything I have just been through.........and the most f’ed up thing is I keep saying in my mind is all he had to do was apologize and do what he promised and never bring up any relationship or marriage with me ever again. So who needs help more..........me or him? Cause God knows my mind is messed up from this.
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