No more denial. No more power. No more time. in Stuff about stuff

I have successfully exploded my life in specfuckingtacular fashion. I’m about to lose literally every person I love due to my own laziness and self-absorption. I pretty much already did, but at least I get to spend a few more days near them, however much they despise who I’ve become. Or I guess more accurately, who I’ve been all along.
Never let anyone tell you that denial is not an absurdly powerful force. Or maybe it’s just absurd.
I truly believed I was better than this. Or at least I really really fucking hoped I was. And I faked it well enough to fool myself and many otherwise incredibly sharp, intelligent people. But hey, I learned from my father, who has almost everyone he’s ever met fooled. Everyone except for his victims, of course. And even some of those, really. I mean, I’m one of those victims (although, in fairness, compared to the rest, I’m a victim of his the way a paper cut compares to a severed limb) , and I believed up until just a few months ago that he was genuinely a good, kind, caring person.
How is it possible for someone to do what he did right in front of me when I was five - have me physically held down and forced to watch, in fact - and then convince me he’s a good person who loves me and my sisters? How in the fuck did he get me to try so hard to emulate him? I know I rebelled against it as a five year old, and on through my childhood, but how in shit fucking hell did I change my mind?
Apparently my scorn and judgment for religion was based on my own insecurity and lack of self-awareness, just like all of my other judgmental bullshit. I’ve been a member of the Church of Dad for years. Unquestioning, unwavering, and unwilling to see the truth. Unwilling to let the evidence change my thinking, and more than willing to fight, abuse, intimidate, lie, shame, and attempt to emotionally destroy the people who actually love me simply because of what it all means about me.
Jesus fucking christ. Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
Open up your god damn head and help them figure out this shit so we can make him stop. What in the fuck is stopping you, you worthless fucking coward? You’re legitimately so afraid of feeling bad about yourself that you are willing to let it continue? Fuck you. Seriously. Fuck. You.
Killing you would be too easy on you, anyway. You know what you’re doing to those girls by not intervening, by not talking, and you have to live with it. Live with the fact that protecting your ego is more important than protecting children. You were right, and he was right. You are fucking worthless.
YOU’VE WANTED ANSWERS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND NOW YOU HAVE THEM. GET YOUR LAZY BULLSHIT HEAD TOGETHER AND TAKE CARE OF THIS SHIT.