a catch up? in Thoughts.

I’ve been meaning to write about a few things for a while, but obviously I haven’t had time.

So B and I hung out on three separate occasions. The first two I wrote about in my previous catch up entry, the third was last Sunday night, when he got back into town. We had a drink at the bar and talked for a while. Then things got weird I guess.

Perhaps I talked to him too much. I have a tendency to do that to people sometimes. I really don’t mean to. I just put myself in his shoes. And living and working in two different states has to get lonely and depressing. So I texted him too much or whatever.

He got moody with me a few nights before eventually flipping completely. Not that he really flipped out at me or anything. But he made it obvious that he wants nothing to do with me, and that he finds me annoying. And I am sorry he feels that way. It wasn’t my intention.

I try too hard not to feel awkward and to be a better me. And I’ve been working on my self esteem a lot, so I’ve been kind of forcing myself to be a bit more cocky than normal. So it really hurt when he told me that I’m not always cute when I think I’m being cute. Mainly because I KNOW I’m not always cute. I’m hugely sarcastic sometimes. And I’m equally sure that I’m obnoxious without being told so. I am my harshest critic. Literally. There is NOTHING you can say to me that I haven’t told myself a hundred times. OR MORE.

He said that he should have thought more before walking into my work. Before meeting me in person. He said “Connecting well online doesn’t always translate to mean it will be the same in person. It hasn’t.” … I mean. Of course it hasn’t. I have changed A LOT in the past 4 years, and even more so since we met on OD about 9 years ago. It just hurt. I asked him the first night we hung out if I was different than what he expected, and he never said anything about us not connecting well in person. He said it NONE of the times we actually hung out.

And he could have. TBH I’d prefer honesty. Face to face. Because I’ve already had enough of the phone B.S. like with G this year. BUT anyway, that was about a week ago he said those things. And I just stopped responding. I will never ask or beg a person to be a part of my life again. I degraded myself to G and I hated myself after, and I refuse to force anything. I refuse to fight for people that would so easily walk out of my life. And B already did that once before. (Not because of me that time, but because of his own life and troubles and such. But still)

I’m only fighting for myself. For what I really deserve. And I deserve people that see me, my flaws, my imperfections, but still love me and want to spend time with me. WANT to get to know me and hang out with me. They know I’m not perfect or always adorable and that’s okay. And THOSE are the people I’m filling my life and time with. I just don’t have the energy for anything else right now.

So anyway. There is that. Then Friday and Saturday I worked both jobs. Sunday I worked Michaels, then went to the hospital. Held me niece <3, spent some time there with my sister and my niece and brother-in-law, then worked Monday morning, went to lunch, the store for a new MicroSD card so I can take more photos since my phone was about to explode lol, and back to the hospital. I whipped up a crochet hat for Lorelei to look like a purple cupcake. :D Then mom and I had to go feed my sisters cats, had dinner, then went back to the hospital because mom forgot something. Finally got home late and slept. Then yesterday I worked in the morning, got picked up by my brother (yay!) and I basically spent the day with him. We did lunch, headed back to the house so he could meet baby Lorelei, then we attempted to visit our grandparents, but they weren’t home, so we went to the store so he could buy some stuff for Lorelei, then we met A for dinner at the Cuban resturant. :D. Then afterwards, we headed back to the grandparents. We were going to go to the bar after, but mom started harassing us about coming home because Bob wanted to see Jimmie. So we ended up back home instead. and an hour later I was too exhausted to go, so I basically passed out and slept until about 730 (well, I woke up a few times like usual.) and kept falling back asleep until 9 something. Today I work at GiGi’s, so I got to sleep in for the first time in a hot minute. Which is wonderful.

Oh yeah. I forgot… So about three years ago my Grandpa passed away. When they read the will, we learned that my father had been omitted, and my brother, sister, and myself put in his place for splitting the money from his assets with our aunt. When my brother came into town, he brought with him, from my aunt, my share of that. Its weird.

So I have a check for over $1200 to put into the bank. I’m not sure what to even do with it. I’m very indecisive. I’ve been struggling financially for a bit now, but I have two jobs presently, and not very many bills which is great. SO I could potentially do a lot of things. 1. buy a sewing machine (but my mom and bob literally just bought one, so I could easily hold out on that.) 2. get a new laptop. Which is one that I am heavily leaning towards. I bought my laptop in 2008, and it has been dying slowly for a few years now. The screen is just giving up and it has NO battery lol. BUT I bought a monitor for it. So then I have to decide if I want an actual computer to go with my monitor, or a laptop. I’m not really sure. 3. I could get some clothes. I probably need some. My pants are too big since I’ve lost my 30ish lbs. But I usually only buy pants when they are too small haha. Though I do want new clothes. The part of actually buying them is just so tedious and I just feel too self conscious right now. Sometimes I just really hate clothes. 4. ??? Could be anything? Maybe some video games? Maybe just cushion? So when I see something I really want, I don’t have to check my budget before getting it, I can just get it. :O Can not fathom that feeling right now. haha.

I plan to put 50% in savings I think. To go towards the car situation. But I do feel like it would be nice for me to spoil myself a little… after spending SO LONG not taking care of myself, my needs or my wants. BUT then I’m like… should i put all 100% towards the car situation? I could easily go in with a $2000 down payment very soon if that is the case.

IM SO INDECISIVE!!! Ugh.

I’m not even in a rush to put the check in the bank, because then I feel like I have to make a decision. And I basically suck at that. haha.
I just… don’t… know.

hope you all are well!
-becca