Falling In Love With Baby Monday, November 17, 2008
My baby is a month old. I can't believe it. Where does the time go?
I went through life for 33 years looking for a boyfriend, fiance, a husband. I begged God to find me a man to love and to love me back. I pleaded with Him to just give me a chance with one. I wished on stars to find love. I joined dating services. The more I searched, the more I grew tired and frustrated. Soon, I grew so tired that I decided to wait patiently for love to find me.
Then, by the GRACE of God it found me.
Lillian Grace entered my life on October 16th. At first, I didn't really feel anything. I looked at her and tried to understand who she was. She looked at me in the same confused way. We were two strangers yet we were bound by blood. I simply couldn't understand. Then by curiosity something began to happen.
Her eyes seemed to look into my soul. I tried to feel what she had begun to feel for me. I grabbed her small hand and measured it to my own. So small, yet so perfect. I examined her from head to toe, curious as to what I would find. Yet, when I walked away from her to sleep or eat I still couldn't feel what I thought I should be feeling.
Day turned into night. Night turned back into day. This happened quite a few times. Her cries got louder as the days went by. Soon, she formed real tears when she cried. I couldn't help but wipe them away when I saw them. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want her to feel pain. I didn't want the small child to have to feel anything but happiness. Yet, she kept crying. Everytime she needed something the tears would come and everytime I would wipe the tears away and hold her tight.
I don't know the exact moment it happened. I don't know what day. It must have been gradual. It must have been very slow to come. I began to notice when I looked in her eyes my heart would beat faster. I noticed that when I saw her sleep, I couldn't help but stare at her.
This small child when held by me would stop crying instantly. When held by someone else would search for me.
With great amazement I began to notice a change in me. Never had I felt my heart sink, but by a simple cry. I had never felt such a rush of concern when this small person lifted her legs and arched her back in pain. I for the first time knew what it felt like to want to remove the pain from someone in return to be in pain. I began to wake in sheer panic when I slept 2 hours straight in fear that she would be gone or hurt. Only to find peace when I see her sleeping peacefully in the bassinet next to me.
Yes, I looked for the love of a man. I even thought that my life would be forever empty with out it. Then by the Grace of God, my little girl--my daughter entered my life and my heart. I didn't know that this kind of love exsisted. I had heard stories from other parents about the love between a child and his or her parents. However, it wasn't until now that I understood it. How complete a love can feel. How beautifully perfect it is. How strong it is. How it consumes your body and mind and soul.
If only I could have known earlier that this is what love is. This is more than I could have ever imagined. If this is the only love I ever get to feel for the rest of my life, then I can honestly say that it's more than enough.
This is the love I was looking for.
Mom
Leave a Note
Random Noter: Absolutely Beautiful. You are the same age as me. [dollsbabiesrme] 11/17/2008 10:36:31 PM
Random noter, found you on the front page: Your entry brought tears to my eyes...I'm so glad you found love in your little girl. I know without a doubt that I am a better person because of my baby girl. ((HUGS)) [Binky280] 11/17/2008 10:36:51 PM
This is beautifully written Shannon, I hope you print this and keep it to give to her when she's older.
And yes, it's a gradual thing and it just gets deeper and stronger over time. :-)
Happy Motherhood to you!
[OddJohn] [p]
11/17/2008 10:57:13 PM
This is by far the sweetest entry I have ever heard. It makes me want to become a parent that much sooner. Ever since I have been a little girl I knew that I wanted to be a mommy. I can't wait for my boyfriend and I to get married and eventually have a child of our own. I am 17 and I know I'm ready for such a step. However, I have this fear that I am unable to have children. Time will tell. -Sam [NovemberLove] 11/17/2008 11:03:36 PM
This is beautiful...the bond between a mother and daughter is a wonderous thing indeed! (and possibly sons, I wouldn't know first hand) :)
It's a joy beyond measure! [Mommy2Katie]
11/17/2008 11:22:13 PM
unconditional love is deeper than anything in this world [muted exposure] 11/17/2008 11:28:28 PM
boy, if i didn't have a husband that brought the same love to me, i'd be so jealous. but i think everyone should have that love. something that makes you whole-whatever kind of love it is. you know? what happened to her daddy? [dontyouforgetaboutme] [p] 11/18/2008 7:17:13 AM
that is so wonderful that you two are having some special time together. [Ark's Dream] 11/18/2008 7:59:31 AM
Beautiful. I feel the same way about my son. I never thought I would love someone as much as I love him. :) Isn't being a mommy great? [prettylittlekitty] 11/18/2008 1:38:34 PM
i think this is, by far, my favorite entry of yours. i'm glad you're found what you needed. i really, truly am.
love
[ephemeral] [p]
11/18/2008 3:23:02 PM
It is truly amazing how such a small person can have such a huge impact on your life. Your entry is beautiful. [mumof2lilboys] [p] 11/18/2008 3:48:27 PM
This entry is amazing. It sums up mommy love so beautifully. [mac'n'cheese]
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