just a spill in 2015

11:18pm

I’m going to try to make this quick, but I’m not sure how well I’ll do with that. I do also want to try to get to bed here soon. I still haven’t been able to get myself on a good schedule for the off-season. It’s so easy to stay up really late and wake up late, because I’m mostly a night-owl. But I feel like I’m wasting so much of the day if I do things that way and I want to try to be up by at least 9 every day. I know that doesn’t sound very early to most normal people, but that’s the way we do things around here. And it’s easy for me to get 10 hrs and still feel tired so we’re just going to go with it. Establishing that schedule and not being completely exhausted is the hard part though. I want to be tired enough to fall asleep at a decent hour, but I seem to keep leaning towards later hours at night. Slowly but surely, I’ll figure it out.

I know it’s so overplayed but I need to get these things about Ck out of my head in order to help with aforementioned sleep. I’m still not sure if someday I’m going to come back here and laugh at how absolutely ridiculous I was, or have a really good story to tell people..

It’s his birthday today. I sent him a text this morning but he never responded. The other day he did tell me all about how it has to be on a certain screen, and he almost never looks at it, and he recently cracked the phone so it’s even more difficult. blah, blah. He claimed that he didn’t really text anyone except me..and his mom and a couple family members. Which I’m not sure I believe at all because I’m always randomly hearing stories about wild drinking weekends and hanging out with friends. I can’t imagine they all just get in touch with him via phone calls out of nowhere. hah.

Anyway, I guess I’m not that surprised that he didn’t answer, but of course I had some kind of hope that he’d say something. He’s leaving soon [like maybe on Monday? or maybe he’s already gone!?] and I wanted to have a nice chat before he left. Something to hold me over, you know?

I’m not sure I actually expect to get any pictures from him while he’s in Alaska. He did say he’d send them, totally unprompted, but I don’t know. My hopes are low.

It’s crazy to think that I might not talk to him again for at least six months, maybe more. I doubt he’d spend much time on his phone while he’s out in the middle of nowhere working. And I hate that this all comes up right at the same time that I get a ton of free time away from work. I mean, sure, I have a couple projects to work on and I’ll definitely be making some trips, but it always seems like right when we have time to hang out–bam–something gets in the way.

I don’t know. I keep wanting to believe that there’s more to this. But it feels so damn silly to say things like that.
Until there are all these coincidences that keep happening and I can’t explain them in any other way, which is kinda how it’s been from the very beginning.

It’s hard to let yourself believe in things like that. But it’s also terribly hard to let them go.

Whatever. I’m just bummed. And I don’t really want to think about zero contact for so long. I guess it might be nice to know it’s coming, instead of wondering what the hell happened, but still not that nice at all. I’d rather bury my head in the sand. I need to make new friends, I need super distractions, and I need to figure out how to make it through each day without continually letting this thing consume me.
It’s not even a thing! ugh.

Not that I have any other option other than to accept it though. I just need to let myself move on and focus on other stuff for a while. I can’t sit around counting down the days to something that may not even exist. That would be such a waste of this one life. =\

Ok. Enough has been spilled to ease the mind. I’m out for now.

rose.
11:37pm

Last updated June 13, 2015