As I mentioned before, I think the Fox had every intention of breaking things off with me when he came to talk face to face a few weeks ago.
I could not stand the thought of losing him when push came to shove, and instead of continuing my hard ass stance, I caved and took him into my arms, kissing his face and savoring his skin beneath my fingers.
I still loved him, and I knew it.
He continues to be my greatest love, and I think he always will be.
Unfortunately, I am certain in my heart that he has found someone else. He is unavailable. He goes days without calling. We text a few times a week, but he doesn’t extend that to calling, even though I promised to answer the phone. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing his voice. My phone is strangely silent.
His wife recently went on vacation, and I planned to visit him. When the day came for me to visit, he never called. He never called that day, or that night. He was busy doing something else.
I am a dull penny. I have lost my shiny appeal.
She is new, and he can woo her. He can impress and engage her. She is interested and hanging on his every word. I guess that trumps familiarity and shared experiences. I guess that trumps or compares to the deep intimacy that he and I have shared. I guess that trumps all the exciting times we’ve enjoyed and all the sexual exploration.
I guess she’s good enough to fill my shoes. He can begin again, start over, re-live the euphoric feelings of new love and attraction. The sex is exciting, and the comfort will come later. He does not feel guilty for not being able to commit to her, because she is learning his terms. There is room for negotiation and hope. He is assuring her that he does not want to leave his marriage and that she should not leave hers.
He replaced me. I know my intuition, and it is hardly ever misguided. I may not have the details correct, and maybe the person that has stolen my lover’s attention is a seasoned veteran, or a returning contestant. The lover he had before he took up with me made a career choice that forced her to move out of state. He once told me that she would want to pick up where they left off if she were ever to return.
The bottom line is: I will never know. I will most likely never be privy to the truth.
Perhaps he lost respect for me because like his wife, I caught him being unfaithful but wanted a relationship regardless of that fact. Perhaps I should have continued my tough stance, because know that I have forgiven and relented so easily, he no longer finds the ‘chase’ worth the effort.
The last two times my lover and I communicated, I spoke from the heart. I expressed my sexual yearning and even asked when I could drive to see him. I shared a vivid fantasy in honest detail, and I have not heard from him since.
So, where do I go from here? Do I look for attention from another source? I know that won’t help, but as much as I want a divorce, it’s gonna be a while before I have the remaining money saved. I’m close, and I plan on being out within six months so I guess celibacy until then is not going to result in my vagina blowing a gasket or suffering permanent damage.
Pelvic congestion has never killed anyone, contrary to what your high school boyfriend told you.
I should concentrate and use every bit of energy I have to plan my departure from my marriage. Instead, I sit here longing to have sex and intimacy with someone. I want his familiar voice in my ear. I want to talk. I’m so lonely, and I only want my lover. I want what is safe and comfortable and exciting. I want my best friend, my big daddy. I want my baby.
Instead, I have an aching heart and a lump in my throat. My brain is reeling and all I want to do is talk to him and ask him these questions. I want him to reassure me. I want him to lie to me and make everything better.
It seems as though he is dumping me, and I don’t want to be one of those idiot women that has a hard time letting go. I know I can find someone else to have sex with, but I’m not sure I can find anyone that fills me up the way he does. I’m pretty sure I will never love anyone else like I love him.
But, the road has to go both ways, and maybe it’s MY turn to ride the rails. Maybe this is what has to happen to make my lover realize that there is no replacement for me. Maybe he has to try to find a replacement to make his life easier. This is what he said to me when we spoke last, that he needed more than I was giving. I am left to assume that it became too hard to please me when I constantly begged for more, and he turned to an easier, newer solution.
I’ve heard him say that even if his wife tried to repair their marriage and start having a sexual relationship with him, it would be “too little too late.”
I am left to wonder if he feels the same way about me.
I always knew that some day, this was gonna hurt.
Is it too late to sell my soul?
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