back2school in Procrastination Journal

in the middle of may haha it’s like i’m in Japan or something

Really, they start and end school in Spring but I forget if they go during the summer. OR when they actually start. And end. Or really, I never knew in the first place.

Anyway.

Took Step 1. Felt drained and beat up after it, but seems like most people felt that way. Did good on my last practice test so I’m hoping that the result will be good.

There’s a thing with that test so.. like… if you pass, you cannot take it again. But just passing doesn’t mean you’re in great shape, woot. You continue in school, but your score is one of your determinants for how competitive you are for residency.

Okay, I want to go into family medicine, and you don’t need a grrrreat score for that. BUT, I’m hoping I didn’t just eek by, and I get a good enough score to keep my options open. Result will come on Wednesday. Dying. Dying.

Anyway. Again.

I saw that kid I like. Point of clarification, he is not actually a kid, but a man, you know, like I am a woman. Adults. Grown people. Sort of. Anyway, he’s either my age or maybe one year younger. That’s weird, I’ve never liked anyone younger than me. What the fuck ever. Anyway.

I thought about him over break and how he probably got a 5000 on his test (for reference, I think they said the average was a 228, and also, this is hyperbole) because he makes up crazy mnemonics and knows everything. And also I was thinking about his arms and his shoulders. And also that his hairline is not in the best of shape for a young man in his twenties but whatever. He’s not the ugliest person I’ve liked. And I don’t even like him that much. I don’t think I’ve really really had it for someone since the FGL in high school. And the FGL had a unibrow (but this is a mark of the Buddha so it’s okay. All right so maybe the Buddha’s unibrow is supposed to be white and actually some sort of curl thing. And also the Buddha is supposed to have forty teeth. Still, he was pretty close, and he had a delicious laugh.)

Anyway! Thrice!

I was thinking “ugh he’s not even that cute, and one time he said something that wasn’t very feminist, and he’s Jewish and I’m not, and he’s from Bexley, and ugh.” But then today he said “Shelbs, I’m afraid of the rain,” so here I go again.

Here are some things I could have said:
1. “Walk with me I’ll protect you.” Problematic since I had no umbrella, and I actually walked with Za a little bit. Hair still got poofy a.f..
2. “What, afraid you’ll melt? Mwahaha.” He could’ve taken it the wrong way. Or not have gotten it at all.
3. Nothing.

What I did say: “Oh, you shouldn’t be! Rain gives life!”
Which was dumb but also quite zen, and he probably didn’t hear it anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

My psychiatrist says that I don’t even give my chance to have people know me and that’s why no one knows me and then thinking I don’t have a personality and that I’m not worth knowing is why I don’t give people a chance to know me and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. But really, I think I know human trash when I have to live in its body everyday. She suggested I go to one of the bar parties (they have parties at a bar anytime a class finishes a block. Just like, okay, kids–we get it.) “You don’t have to drink,” she said. HAHAHA. Okay, but it’s not the drinking, it’s the bar, and the people, and no one is my friend, and the noise, and the being supremely uncomfortable. And now she wants me to come more so I can sit and stare at my hands when she says stuff that I don’t agree with, and I can’t explain why she’s wrong, she just is.

“If you just gave people a chance to know you…” then nothing because they would know that there is nothing to know about me, and I am literally like one of those _____ that has nothing to it. I only write here because I’m self-absorbed.

Anyway, I have a friend, and I went to visit her the other weekend and I even took the Greyhound to go see her. And she now lives in this bizarre town where people are crazy speedway fans, and they have everything the same here only with slightly different names. (And everything is named after “Speedway” I mean the speedway does it even have a name or is it just called Speedway? The Speedway speedway. ) I mean, the things I go through for maintaining a friendship.