Bland. in Other life events.

Everything is so dull, the weather, my friendships, my emotions and my motivation. Im left with this horrible feeling my friends couldnt care less if we remained friends, or they feel we have been friends so long they can treat me however they like?

Its a sinking feeling of being taken for granted when i try my hardest to be the best friend i can. I actually want to spend time with them but whenever i speak to them i feel like im boring and “theyve heard it all before”.

I cant even bring myself to text people to ask them to do something, the fear of rejection and general anxiety of me being a nuisance is too much. I havent asked anyone to do something in a long time, rules are they make the plans to avoid disappointment.

How do i fix my friendships? Am i not trying hard enough by not asking? I dont ask Sean because hes always busy and i dont want to ask Ray because she forces me into awkward social situations or we simply get drunk and either argue or one of us gets sentimental and its awkward and uncomfortable for the recipient.

I guess i could see what shes doing next weekend. If she asks to do something i dont want too i could always say no. I probably wont because i’m a coward.

I hope things pick up. This solitarity is crippling. I dont even have Adam to talk too anymore since “The Syrina fiasco”.

Its my greatest flaw. I either have it all or nothing at all. I cant stand flakey people who drop me in a heartbeat. Is having one solid friendship too much to ask for? Maybe my idea of adult friendship i skewed and i should place my priorities and emotions elsewhere too.