May 6 in Anxiety

I had a bad day yesterday. I couldn’t tell you why exactly because I’m still trying to figure it out.

My anxiety has been really bad lately. I am starting to have panic attacks often. The frustrating thing is that I can’t quite figure out what the triggers are. I really really don’t feel crazy stressed, or at least I don’t think I do. When I had panic attacks before I ever saw someone about my anxiety, they were because of very plausible reasons. Driving in high volume traffic in a big city, going to a very crowded place, freaking out over school, work etc.

I went to someone, I was diagnosed as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADD. I was put on a rather low dose (20 mg) of Paxil and Adderall and everything seemed to even out and really come back together again. I no longer have problems driving in a big city or on a crowded highway. I can go into a store like it’s no big deal. I write down to-do lists and get my shit done. And all of this is still true to this day. I felt oodles better. Like night and day.

But lately I feel like I’ve fallen off of it. I don’t know what it is exactly. I am just not happy. I think I’m in a rut. I don’t do the things I love. My drive is zilch.

I started having some issues back in the summer and fall when I tried to slowly wean myself off of my Paxil (with my doctor’s permission and guidance). It was pretty decent for the first month or two. I was taking around 2/3rds of the dose by the fall when anxiety showed itself again alongside some depression. I’ve never felt true depression before. My mom is bipolar and when I was 17 my brother committed suicide so I certainly understand depression. I know it’s not something you can control and just get over, but I’d never truly felt it. But at that point I started to feel it. I was so lethargic, didn’t care about getting anything done. I just wanted to sleep all-freaking-day. Going to work was a struggle, I called in sick all the time. I just didn’t care. The most frustrating part was that nothing had changed in my life from the point where I thought I was doing so well that I could go off of Paxil to the point where I felt worthless and helpless. Well nothing changed except my dosage.

After mentally beating myself up about it, I went back on my full dose of Paxil and that helped a lot. But now it seems like since I “woke up the demon” so to speak, I am worse off. Even at the same dosage as before. And the most frustrating thing about it all is that my anxiety this time around can’t be pin-pointed to any single thing like previously. Instead of it being an internal struggle with the external world, it’s like it is an internal struggle with my internal world.

The past month and a half it has gotten worse. I’ve started having panic attacks. Some are for more “valid” reasons than others. The stress of throwing a large party or my cat having serious health issues - I would consider those very valid. Then other times I have no idea what is up. Yesterday, I was sitting at my allergist’s office waiting to get my allergy shot and realized I was hyperventilating, causing my tightness in my chest. For the life of me, I couldn’t get my breath back to normal and natural. You know how hard it is to just breathe when all you’re doing is thinking about breathing. It becomes unnatural, strained and forced. Overthinking it all and just wishing you could forget how to breathe - not in a dying sense, just in a conscious sense. The hyperventilation then snow balls into a panic attack because I know it’s going to hurt and be obnoxious for the rest of the day. Next thing I know I’m wanting to cry just sitting in the allergists waiting room.

“Why is this happening? Why can’t I just stop overthinking breathing? When did I get this vulnerable? When did my joie de vivre disappear? Why am I just existing and not living? How did this happen?”

Like I said, yesterday was a bad day. I broke down realizing that I need to get help again. I realized that I’m struggling and its such an internal battle. I feel so alone with my own thoughts. I feel like I can’t talk to any one about it. Just so alone. I came to so many realizations. Another being that I can’t keep it all in anymore. If I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, I need to at least get it out somewhere. I decided to start seriously writing. Whether on here in my new “anxiety” book or physically writing in a journal. I just need to get things out without any filtering. I haven’t been able to do that here as much as I would like for fear of judgement, but I know that at the end of the day, this diary is for me and not anyone else.

I also decided a couple more things. Whenever I’m feeling absolutely overwhelmed and having a hard time, I’m going to work out. It doesn’t have to be a fancy work out or even I good work out but I’m going to get myself moving and my mind off of everything. A lot of my problem seems to be that, as crazy as this sounds, I don’t have enough going on. I’ve secluded myself into a hole where I don’t have friends that I talk to all the time, I don’t see people. I don’t talk, really talk to anyone, not even to my husband. If I am able to focus 100% on one thing, like exercise, I won’t be able to focus on me. My mental being, that inner voice that is self-pitying and pathetic. Hopefully my mental stress will get exhausted with the physical stress of exercise. Just get my mind off of it. Give me an outlet. It won’t matter if it is as simple as walking around the neighborhood or doing 10 jumping jacks. Just to do something until I feel better, more positive and less overanalyzing. I am going to move until my negative feelings stop moving. I want them to be too exhausted to work.

The other thing I plan on doing other than writing and exercising is talking to my doctor. I’m not sure whether I want to see a counselor again. I really should, I’ve always felt reborn after talking to someone that I’m not worried will judge me or think I’m crazy. I think my anxiety is getting in the way of getting a counselor, so for now I am going to talk to my regular care physician and see where that goes. He is very comforting and understanding. I am going to explain everything and see if there is something that he can prescribe to calm me down when I get overwhelmed, something that will be me freaking breathe without thinking about breathing. I know that I shouldn’t rely solely on medicine itself and that is what the writing and exercise is for. Once I talk to my doctor, I’m sure I will be more secure in whether to talk to a counselor again. My issue with a counselor too is whether to see my old one or a new one. My old one is about 40-45 minutes away, she already knows me and my history, but I’m worried that me showing back up will be a disappointment. I was talking to an acquaintance of ours who is some type of therapist for autistic children. I told her about maybe needing to see a counselor again and needing to find a new one. She asked me who I had seen previously and asked why I couldn’t go back to her again. I said she was 40-45 minutes away. She basically said, “yes, and?” She told me I should just go back to her, she knows me, my history, my medicines, my everything. I won’t have to reexplain myself to a new person. She explained to me that sure this counselor is out of the way, but isn’t it worth it to know that you have found someone whose counseling style works for you. I told her I was worried that I would feel like a failure, that I was doing so well and so happy. I never thought I’d need to see her again. The woman explained to me that going in and out of counseling is a very normal thing, the counselors expect it. She won’t be frustrated with me or let down. It’s normal.

Just hearing that woman tell me that counselors expect their patients to come and go as they need more or less help made me feel so much more at ease. She’s so right. I just needed someone a bit more level-headed to break it down for me.

Now my only issue is setting up that first appointment. When I feel low like I do now, of course I don’t want to get on the phone and call someone - sounding like I’ve been crying and sniffling. But then when I’m having a good day, I feel as though I’m “cured” and don’t need help at all. I need to list out my feelings while I’m feeling low for when I see my physician, otherwise, if I’m having a “good day,” I won’t end up being honest with myself. I think that’s how I’ve ended up here in the first place.