Marriage Ponderings in New Beginnings

My brother’s engagement got me thinking about my own lack of romantic prospects. My brother is 39, and this will be his first marriage. If that makes him sound like a socially inept virgin, that would be me. No, my brother is so late in getting married because he’s been a cad for most of his post pubescent life. I don’t know how many girlfriends he’s had, probably too many to count, and they range in variety from a single mom 10 years older than him with three kids to a Hooter’s waitress to a good-girl-next-door type to a mega rich trust fund heiress. The only thing they have in common is that they’re usually rather comely.

I’m befuddled as to how he he’s been able to capture the affections of so many women. When he was in high school, he was the star athlete, and when you’re king of the school, getting dates probably isn’t an issue no matter how relationally inept you might be. Even after high school when he moved on from sports, he was still a heart breaker. For all his many flaws, that was when he became a fantastic guitarist, so maybe once the world stopped revolving around athletics, being a musician was what attracted moths to the flame. Currently, while he’s still a great guitar player, he’s rather out of shape, so his figure can’t be the draw. Also, after having braces when he was a child, he didn’t wear his retainer, so his teeth have returned to their marginally crooked default. I don’t know if still does the following, but for many years, he used to chew tobacco, and he refuses to visit the dentist, so his oral health can’t be very good (or fragrant), yet here he marrying a hot girl after a long history of dating hot girls.

I don’t want to come off as foppish, but I don’t have any of the physical detriments my brother currently has, and I flat out suck getting dates. Seriously, the last time I kissed a girl was over nine years ago. Granted, I’m sure a huge part of it is that I’m very self contained. If I didn’t have my job, my gym, and Jiu jitsu, I’d be a shut-in. Maybe if I took up activities that weren’t so guy-centric, I’d be able to get dates.

I’ve thought about that possibility a lot since I found out about my brother’s engagement, and I think I may be sabotaging myself. As much as I want to find a possible wife, I also have other goals, and I’m afraid a relationship might derail my progress. For instance, I want to buy a house, a nice house, without going into debt. If I save for another couple of years and get a bridge loan on my condo when I decide to sell it, I can probably buy the kind of house I’d like without going into debt. I’m afraid if I get into a long term relationship, we’ll have “the conversation.” I don’t know much about dating, but I know that eventually you have to lay your cards on the table, so to speak, and let the other person know what she’s getting into. Obviously, if you’re dating someone with $80 grand in debt, you’d like to know before you really start pursuing marriage. In my case, I have the opposite hand to lay down, but I’m afraid she’ll say, “Oh, that’s wonderful! That’s just enough to cover my dream wedding I’ve been obsessing about since I was seven.” Then, of course, I’ll object saying that I had planned on using those saving to…you know…actually provide a life for us. She’ll get mad that I’m allegedly unromantic, and I’ll wonder why does being romantic mean mortgaging our future.

Seriously, is there something about having disposable income and not having to worry about job loss, medical emergencies, saving for retirement, or any other of the financial curve balls life tends to throw that makes women feel frigid? A wedding lasts a day, and very seldom do married couples actually reminisce over their wedding after its over. I’ve also heard of some women saying years after the event that having a modest wedding would have been wiser, which really compels me to stick to my guns on this issue, which I imagine being insurmountable to her. It seems like any relationship I became involved in would be destined for that impasse. If I buy a house first, those liquid assets won’t be there for her to squander.

I’d also have other goals. Specifically, I’d like to move out of Atlanta, buy some acreage in Athens, build my dream house, and maybe start my own Gracie Academy. Like my previous dilemma, I suspect it’d be easier to find a woman who’s compatible with those goals if I achieve them first. The alternative is to spend the time and money looking for such a woman right now, who I may not even find, and the resources I spend doing that would only push my goals that much farther into the future. Taking the former approach would likely take about six or seven years, so I’d be 39 or 40 about the time I’d be ready to start dating. However, during those six or seven years, I’m only going to become more socially inept making getting a wife that much harder.

Then, of course, there’s the issue of finding a woman I’d be otherwise compatible with. I don’t want children. I don’t have a problem with children, but I’ve never really wanted them. When my sister had kids, while I love my niece and nephew, her young offspring basically confirmed every negative expectation I had of parenthood. When my dad had his injury, he kind of reverted to a child-like level of dependency complete with (paternal) tantrums but, thankfully, no dirty diapers. That particular experience further corroborated that I don’t want to be a parent. The problem being, at my dating age range most women either have children or want to get married before their eggs dry up to have them. The bothersome issue about that latter group is that they’re not above pretending that they don’t want children to attract a man, then saying that they changed their mind when the fellow is too emotionally invested to end things painlessly. Sadly, sometimes that point comes after getting married.

I also want a woman who has a very strong romantic streak. I want a woman who’s very affectionate, and not like how guys define “affection.”

Woman: I just wish you’d be more affectionate.”
Man: What are you talking about? I love affection; take off your pants.

I have these fantasies about cuddling with a woman while we fall asleep, rubbing her feet while she tells me about her day after coming home from work, having her lay on top of me and letting me scratch her back while we spend a Saturday night binge watching Netflix. I also want to make out. I never got to have that when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. I would expect most women my age to be over the thrill of necking on the sofa.

Then, there’s the problem that those fantasies wouldn’t translate into reality very well. I did a google search, and apparently most women aren’t cuddly sleepers like stereotype suggests. I also found a website called Scary Mommy where people, specifically those living the marriage and parenting “dreams,” can make anonymous confessions.

“I really dislike DH [Dear Husband]. He has become so self centered and doesn’t know me at all after 6.5 years of marriage.”

“Today I’d REALLY like to wish DW into the cornfield”

“Sometimes I clip my toenails on my DH’s side of the bed so he has to sleep with the random sharp escaped nails in his back.”

“Well, It’s happening. H is moving out and the divorce is started. We made it a year and 3 months. Pathetic. I’m kinda said but it is what it is.”

“My h wants to ‘take a break’ from marriage. Hahahahahahaha! It was a good laugh. Obviously It’s time for a divorce.”

“First 2 years of living together was hell. I don’t know how we managed without spilling blood or breaking bones.”

“I haven’t been out alone ever since I got married. Wouldn’t have married if I knew I would be joined at the hip with H. Seriously…its ridiculous.”

“I want a divorce. If money were no object, the kids and I would be gone with the wind.”

“I can’t stop fantasizing about DH’s sexy friend. Whenever he’s over, I flirt so hard that I think DH notices and tries to keep us apart. I feel bad, but I can’t help myself. “

“I never fantasize about my husband. He is the center of everything else, he doesn’t get to have that too.”

“My husband demanded an open marriage after 15 years and three kids. youngest is 1. I don’t have any family or own savings to leave. I feel so stuck.”

“I pretend to be asleep when H comes back to bed from checking the door locks. I try to gauge if I pulled it off by listening if he sighs....”

“I checked out of this marriage a few years ago.”

Yeah, marriage doesn’t sound like the romance-fest I imagined. I don’t think I’d be like one of those bad husbands described above. I wouldn’t demand to be the center of my wife’s universe. I would never demand an open marriage. I wouldn’t force myself on my wife for sex. However, fantasy is always so much cleaner than reality. Even if those problems didn’t come up, others almost certainly would. Every prospective husband and wife thinks he or she is going to the perfect spouse, then the above happens. Maybe, I’m just better off being single. I’d still like to have one made out session before I die, though.