Psychotropics. in Other life events.

Everything is so dull, i don’t think i’ve ever felt so lonely in years. I can’t find comfort in anyone’s company. This is down to me surely, i went to see Ray and i couldn’t even find the effort to fake happiness i just sat there like an ornament. I could physically feel my mood dragging her and her room mate down with me.

I used to be really good at reading people but now it seems my judgement is off and everyone is just spreading out in all directions. Sean was telling me once my car is finished his dad would probably put his two mini’s in the unit meaning i couldn’t get another project even if i wanted meaning i wouldn’t see him at all. He also mentioned that he “Wants to save on fuel money” Meaning i will have to do a 8 mile round trip on my bike to the unit. To me it seemed passive aggressive that he would say something like that since he goes to the lake district (120 miles) and Manchester (50miles) with his girlfriend every single Monday and Thursday.

Little things like that really eat me up, i can’t seem to grip onto my friends hard enough. I see nothing in anyone anymore, the two people i cared most about where Ray and Sean and they’re both fragments of the person they used to be. Ray is this happy go lucky person now who seems unnaturally happy & Judgmental while Sean is just starting to resemble someone who can’t even stand my company but can’t find the confidence to say it.

Actually i suppose it was unfair to call Ray judgmental, she just thinks she knows whats best to me but clearly doesn’t understand me anymore. She was telling me i need to get a job and get out of the house more; I can’t come to grips with the fear which wracks my body. I have no social skills and they deteriorate with every disappointment to the point where people are always asking me “Are you okay?”

Am i really that disassociated from the people closest to me that i can’t even discern what’s real and what’s not? I can’t even when people are joking anymore. I just feel pathetic at the minute, everything’s fucked up and my life has been a disaster. I’ll never have stability or the ability to fend for myself, let alone set up a family and take care of them.

Thinking back i remember when i used to have ambitions and dreams, i always assumed i would become great and have everything but now i can’t even seem to hold onto what little i have left.

Also I’m pretty sure Ray gave me cannabis and i obviously thought it was a cigarette until i tasted how strong it was, i asked her what it was stupidly assuming it was a different brand from Amber leaf which i usually smoke. She simply replied “Well it’s not morphine” which then reminded me she does drugs and i can’t believe i just trusted her enough to finish her smoke without even questioning it.

That felt like a betrayal of trust but i didn’t mention it. What am i supposed to do, argue with my dwindling friends over my own stupidity? I am disappointed in my life ultimately to the point i couldn’t sleep tonight i was so annoyed with myself. I don’t even have anyone to talk too about it, this loneliness is crippling.

I think I’m going to get some anti depressants prescribed, I’d rather be numb and somebody else than me right now.