An interview with yourself. in Other life events.

I’ve always wanted to do one of these, you essentially ask yourself a bunch of thought provoking questions, in this case 101 of them. This may be long winded but i will however devote the time to answer them all with equal honesty.

I could recommend it to anyone, i think just reading the questions really makes you question who you really are.

1. Do you like who you are?
   I think everyone has positives and negatives they either like or dislike about themselves, some parts we hate and love. I wouldn’t say i “Like” the me i am, I’m weak and childish, i have no real responsibilities and the idea of having any is terrifying to me.

2. What would people say about you at your funeral?
   Under the assumption anyone turned up outside of family, i would imagine they wouldn’t have a whole lot to say, other than the typical “What a great loss” “He was such a great guy”. Empty words to make a long story short.

3. What would you regret not doing in your life?
   Making it worth living, achieving my goals no matter how simple they are, aswell as setting myself new goals once those are complete.

4. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard someone say?
   When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

5. What lessons in life did you learn to hard way?
   That trust is hard to build yet as fragile as glass.

6. How often do your biggest worries and fears come true?
   Not as often as expected, but when they do its unpleasant.

7. If you had one year left to live, what would you try to achieve?
   That’s a tough one, i guess i would focus all my energy into my family and friends, i wouldn’t focus on my own goals.

8. Do you serve money or does money serve you?
   Everyone serves money in some way, its basic that we cannot live without a form of wealth.

9. Are you afraid of being your true self around others? Why?
   People generally can’t stand the real me so i simply hide behind an empty smile and forced confidence and conversation. I don’t think anyone could understand the depression and anxiety i feel unless they are experiencing it themselves.

10. What are you grateful for?
    The time i got to spend with my friends, my family. I’m grateful especially for having such a brilliant grandmother and that she is living to such a late age. I’m grateful for the opportunities i’ve had in life, even though i didn’t take them all.

11. Have you done anything you are proud of lately?
    I recently decided to turn my back on someone, which isn’t something to be proud of i guess. But i usually don’t have the courage or strength to cut people out of my life when i know they are bad for me, i should really try harder to place my trust in the right people; whoever they are.

12. Have you made any recent acts of kindness?
    Not particularly, it’s not that i don’t like doing selfless kind acts, its actually my favorite thing to do. However i always fear i would come across as clingy or trying too hard.

13. If you knew that you would die tomorrow, what questions would you ask yourself?
    Where did it all go wrong?

14. If your biggest fears came true, would it matter in five years from now?
    I assume not, only time can tell.

15. How would you describe yourself?
    Lazy, depressive, anxious, antisocial, hermit, shy, embarrassed, unmotivated.

16. Do you take people’s advice?
    I usually seek advice but fail to accept it if it goes against how i feel inside.

17. Do you get quickly offended?
    I’m quite hot headed and jump to conclusions sadly, it’s probably due to my insecurities.

18. Do you consider yourself to be a likable person?
    The fake me others perceive as “me” i would assume is a likable person whenever i can keep that muse active. The real me, absolutely not.

19. ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give’ – What does this mean to you?
    That you create your life with physical possessions but what really matters is what you give in return.

20. Are you enriching the lives of others?
    No.

21. Are you living a meaningful life?
    Not really meaningful, i don’t do anything special or world changing.

22. What makes a meaningful life?
    I believe a meaningful life is finding love and creating a family, once you have children i imagine your just working on becoming a good role model and memory for them when they grow up.

23. Would you ever give up your life to save another?
    Yes.

24. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for people in poverty?
    I guess being selfish as i am and the region i was born in i can’t say a whole lot? I feel for the people in poverty however it’s kind of a lottery of where you are born and how you make the best of your situation, the differences in poverty too for example, being born in Africa and starving or having so many opportunities in England and still being a homeless alcoholic. If you are unfortunately born into hardships then i believe you do deserve help; we’re humans and we have empathy. On another hand i would not bend over backwards for someone who had the same opportunities as me and threw their life away.

25. If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do?
    I would probably pick a school day, i miss having all my favorite people in one place. I haven’t seen some of them in years and i probably never will have close friends like that again.

26. Do you think you are important and worthy of affection and love?
    Not really important or worthy of affection and love, or at least i haven’t been proved wrong so far.

27. What would make you feel more worthy? What do you believe needs to be different about you?
    I need to improve both my physical appearance and self worth, inside i’m sad lonely person. Making something of myself would be good too, getting a job and getting into the real world, not locking myself in my room chain smoking waiting for the world to change for me.

28. What brings you down the most often?
    Memories, both good and bad memories always bring me down, the good ones amplify my loneliness and the bad ones simply add salt to the wounds.

29. Would you rather work less (and do the things you enjoy) and have less money?
    Yes, i would hate to end up in a work environment i hated.

30. Where do you find peace?
    In my room listening to music, it’s my sanctuary and it just takes me away to somewhere else than the muddled thought pattern of my mind.

31. What is the most important quality you look for in another person?
    Trust.

32. What is your biggest dream in life?
    To find a person who understands me, and isn’t faking it so they can gain ammunition to hurt me with or build fake trust.

33. What is your biggest fear?
    Dying alone.

34. How would the world be different if you had never been born?
    I guess my mother wouldn’t of gone through so much trouble with my father before he passed away, she wouldn’t of had the pain of him denying i was his. My brother would of had more attention from my mother too and maybe wouldn’t of gone down the road he is currently on. Some people would of not met some other people but other than that i doubt anyone’s lives would drastically change if it was like i never existed.

35. What life lessons do you wish you knew 10 years ago?
    Education is key.

36. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
    Focus, focus hard on yourself first before putting others before your needs. Don’t let your emotions rule your judgement.

37. If your life was a movie, what would the title be?
    Reality.

38. If your life was a movie, would you enjoy watching it?
    I doubt it would be a very heartwarming tale, so no.

39. What does success mean to you?
    Creating a family, wealth and friendship.

40. If you could be a different person, who would you be?
    My best friend Sean, he’s everything a person should be, he does have his flaws when it comes to women but he has a big heart.

41. What was the best day of your life? Why?
    I guess it’s hard to pinpoint but when i felt like i was in love for the first time, that little flicker of ecstasy you feel, like everything going to finally be OK and fall into place.

42. What do you look forward to most in life?
    Currently, completing my car project and getting a job when i pass my driving test.

43. What bad habits do you want to ditch?
    Eating unhealthy.
    Smoking.
    Anxiety. (If that can be considered a habit)

44. Who do you look up to and why?
    One of my friends Ray, she really turned her life around from when we where kids, i’m proud of her.

45. Do you know your partners love language?
    N/A

46. Do the people you love most know how much you love them?
    No, and if they do they probably just abuse it to walk all over me.

47. Are you satisfied with the depth of your relationships?
    Not particularly, i see one friend twice a week and if something comes up with his girlfriend he’s quick to ditch me.

48. What do you owe yourself?
    A break.

49. Based on your current day-to-day life, what do you expect to achieve in 5 years from now?
    Pass my driving test, complete my car, lose weight.

50. Do you say ‘yes’ too often when you really want to say ‘no’? Why?
    All the time, I’m so desperate to impress others or please them i can’t help but say yes, even though every time i just want to ignore them or make an excuse not to do it.

51. What did you learn yesterday?
    how to assemble a bias pedal box for my car, it was fun.

52. What do you like about yourself?
    I kind of like my ability to mask my feelings and how i generally put others feelings before me own, i never used to do that and i guess it makes me a stronger person now that i don’t have to burden anyone.

53. Would you consider yourself to be a generous person?
    I guess, especially at Christmas time where i get a little carried away.

54. Do you really listen when people talk to you?
    I do, i guess if i got talked too more i may become a little more ignorant.

55. What is the number one change you need to make in your life this year?
    Gain confidence.

56. How many hours per week do you spend on the internet?
    about 60 hours a week, that’s pretty intense.

57. What are your most common negative thoughts? Are they logical?
    Normally thinking how things could of been different which isn’t logical at all, what’s done is done and i can only look forward. My loneliness is my main negative thought, i crave friendship.

58. Do you think it’s too late to do certain things in your life? Why?
    I guess i’m too old, it sounds ridiculous but i’ve missed my chance, i haven’t even skimmed the surface of what some people have done in their time already, i have not even done simple things like have a meaningful relationship or have a job.

59. If you could be the most influential person in the world, what would you change?
    I wouldn’t even want to change anything, not only would i be too scared i would fuck something up i couldn’t deal with the consequences if i did.

60. How much time do you spend with your family and friends?
    I spend roughly 8 hours a week max with my mother, and 10 hours with Sean at the unit, other than that i stay in my room alone.

61. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now?
    I at least want to of had a job for a while and started making progress on improving my life.

62. Is your life complicated by unnecessary things?
    Not really but the smallest things for me feel so big, anxiety and all that jazz.

63. How can you simplify your life and focus on the most important things to you?
    Nothing in life if simple.

64. What stresses you out?
    Everything, literally everything, eating, drinking, the past, the future, friendship, family, success. Everything.

65. What makes life easier?
    Smoking, time with friends, both of these make time pass faster.

66. How often do you give without expecting anything in return?
    Often.

67. What is your greatest challenge?
    Overcoming my self esteem and inner demons.

68. What is most important to you in life? Are you giving it the time it deserves?
    Friendship and love, i don’t give either of these things enough time. In fact i give love no time, i don’t even bother looking anymore.

69. If you could send a message to the world, what would you say in 30 seconds? “This is the happiness and peace of mind committee. Are you happy? It is your duty, okay? Are you fulfilling your duty?”

70. What do you most regret never telling someone?
    I regret not telling my friend how much Ray meant to me when we where kids, instead i kind of let it ruin our friendship and it was too late, even though i am obviously completely over it now i always feel like i lost one of my best friends over something what now seems trivial because i didn’t tell him how much she meant to me at the beggining.

71. When was the last time you tried something new?
    It’s been so long i can’t remember.

72. Are you afraid to speak your own opinion?
    yes

73. Do you give into others too often and feel resentful because of it?
    Yes, it’s irritating.

74. Are you holding onto something that you need to put behind you?
    Seans girlfriend said she hated me and called me a cocky little prick, and i can’t seem to let go of it because of how much it hurt me. I literally think about it every day because of the effort i put in to try be friends with her simply because Sean loves her.

75. How often do you let your fears hold you back?
    At every opportunity.

76. Do the people in your life bring the best out of you?
    Yes, my friends inspire me to change.

77. How often do you make excuses?
    I try my hardest not to make excuses but i like to blame everyone else for my problems, i never accept that i’m the real issue in most equations and that people generally don’t like me because of who i am, not because of who they are.

78. What is one mistake that you will never do again?
    Fall in love too quick.

79. Which is worse, failing or never giving it a shot?
    Never giving it a shot.

80. What has grown you the most as a person – your challenges and trials or the comfortable yet enjoyable moments in life?
    The comfortable parts, the challenges just weakened who i am overall, each one chips away at you.

81. If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you?
    Yes.

82. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal?
    Fear.

83. How often do you go to bed feeling angry?
    90% of the time.

84. Would it be wrong to steal in order to feed a starving child?
    No.

85. If you paid more attention to the sad things in this world, would you feel more conflicted about it?
    Doubtful I’m kind of self absorbed with my own problems most of the time, its selfish but i can’t change the things we see on the news, i can only change my own problems. Being conflicted about thing’s i cannot change would be irresponsible.

86. If we learn from our failures, then why is it so bad to fail?
    Because it hurts.

87. What could you pay more attention to in life?
    My family, my brother mainly, we’re so different that i push him away and resent him.

88. Why do we think of others the most when they’re no longer around?
    Because everyone wants what they can’t have.

89. What does it look like to make the most of your life?
    Happiness. Like smiles, a room full of friends.

90. What have you given up on?
    Useless emotions, love is one of them, it expends a lot of energy and creates more anxiety. Some friendships i’ve given up on too, some things simply can’t be fixed.

91. How many people do you truly love and what are you doing for them?
    5 people, i jump through hoops for them at every chance.

92. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happy to settle for what you already know?
    I should ask more questions but I’m scared of the answers.

93. What were you doing when you last lost track of time?
    Working on my car.

94. Do you think you would be happy if you never had to work again?
    If i had to work at all i would be happy i imagine, i have too much time.

95. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
    16 forever i imagine, i’ve never grew much since then.

96. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?
    Take me back to when i was 12 with my current memories, let me try again.

97. What inspires you in life?
    My friends, the ones that stuck around, even though i may not see them as often as i would like.

98. What can you not live without the most?
    Once again, friendship and company. I always told myself if i had no-one i wouldn’t bother extending the pain of being alone, I’d probably end up killing myself. That sounds morbid but i spent 5 years alone with no friends, i won’t live through that again, it destroyed me and made me who i am today.

99. What do you enjoy doing over and over again?
    Singing.

100. When did you last laugh so much it hurt?
     When we where drawing on Sean’s car in the dust on his car window, we where doodling the old guy who gave us our rent at the old unit, it was making us cry laughing for some reason.

101. What is stopping you from living the life you want to live?
     Nothing is stopping me other than myself, if i didn’t fail so hard in school and have such a bad childhood i may of had a shot, but i feel like I’m too far gone to make anything of myself now.

That was exhausting to type but i feel like i know a little bit more about myself now. I’ll check back here in a few years and see if anythings changed.