Love and Children Tuesday, October 02, 2007
School is going fine.
I had a long talk with my mother the other night. I have been having a bit of a bad spell as of lately. Been doing a little bit of the, "poor me dance." I cried in front of her and asked her when it'd be my turn to know what it feels like to have someone love me back. I saw her heart break right in front of me. She just looked at me and shook her head and said, "I don't know. Life is so unfair."
I cried and looked at her and said, "I would like it for just one month of my life to have a man stand up and care enough to say, "here, let me help you out... here's some money for your rent." I continued and said, "I would like to know what it feels like to have a man volunteer to take my car in for an oil change... just once... just one time. I just need to know what it feels like to have someone there to help out." I cried, "When's it my turn to be able to take a day off work and know that someone is there to cover the cost of a day's lost wages. I need to feel it."
My mother didn't have an answer except that ,"life isn't fair." and "It will happen for you, someday. Don't lose faith. He's (Jesus) there and has a plan. There's a reason for this."
I told my mom, "I am so angry with Him. He doesn't listen. I have given up on Him."
My mother, "Don't give up. He is there and he's got a plan."
We talked for a long time. I don't like to talk to her about it too much. I know she feels my pain and I don't want that. It's bad enough that I am hurting. I don't need my mother hurting too.
So I continue, with school. Trying to go somewhere with out going anywhere. Trying to be something more by not changing where I am. Trying to become something by fighting opposites. Trying to educate myself socially and academically. I am simply passing time here on earth by going to school since I can't have the only thing I was put on this earth for.
Her
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I'm sorry that you are hurting. I can certainly relate to how you feel though. Though I have a child my life is pretty empty, it's been a very long time since I had any real love in my life.
Don't get discouraged - there are 3 billion of us guys out here. It's just a matter of time before you run across one of us that will work out.
[OddJohn] [p]
10/3/2007 12:18:04 AM
i want to say "it'll happen for you" but i don't want to seem like i'm just saying that to say it. however, i honestly do believe that it will happen for you. you're an amazing human being, you're smart, you're caring, you're funny, you're pretty. maybe there's something else in your life that you have to fulfill before it happens but i have faith that it will.
i hope you feel better soon. i know how terrible it is to be in a slump and how draining it gets. if you need to get anything off your chest you know where to find me. -xo
love! [ephemeral] [p]
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