Mourning in Days of My Destiny
- April 18, 2015, 8:44 p.m.
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- Public
I have entered a new phase of mourning and grief. You see, a part of Diedre has already died. The Diedre I have known all this time is no longer. Ever since she found out she had a lump of cancer, that was it. Her life changed. Her headspace changed. Her outlook changed. She’s trying ever so hard. And although I believe strongly that she will not die from this, a part of her already has.
I am surprised by how this has affected me. I am also surprised at the realisation that a woman who has only been in my life for ten years has made more of an impact on me than the woman who birthed me.
Maybe if I was around mum and seeing how her arthritis is affecting her and watching her try to deal with her pain, I’d be feeling this too. But as it is, Diedre kind of IS a mother to me. She’s the parts of my mother that I never had. And I mourn.
Yesterday I was picturing myself giving a eulogy for her. I didn’t want to be doing that but I also accepted it as part of my experience with all of this. I was bawling my eyes out, sitting on the mower with Coldplay’s latest album blaring in my ears, appropriately depressing. I cried and cried and cried, away from everyone, allowing my tears to flow down my face and spill over onto my shirt.
This was after she said her goodbyes, her voice cracking and her telling me to look after myself and the girls, and that she’ll be fine. We gave each other the first REAL hug since I met her. I didn’t want to let her go, and I could feel in her body that she didn’t want to let me go either.
I realised that she’s always been a quiet, gentle constant in my life, always loving unconditionally, and never getting offended when I wasn’t ready to receive that.
I realised that she won’t be available for my own needs while she enters and endures her own turmoil, probably the biggest turmoil of her life.
I realised that the roles have reversed - that she’s always listened and been there for us, and now it’s our turn to give that back to her (and her husband).
We weren’t saying goodbye to her life, we were saying goodbye to the end of this chapter in our lives that we’ve been so blessed to have.
Last updated February 16, 2021
Deleted user ⋅ April 20, 2015
:*(