The end is nigh in A new era

Last night I shouted at a doctor. She came to do a full neuro exam on my grandad, asking him to lift his arms, touch his nose etc. Clearly she hadn’t even looked at him because he was barely breathing in the bed and was so obviously a dying man.

So I asked her why she was doing the exam. In the heat of the moment it came out as a bit of an accusation and she looked like a rabbit in headlights. But honestly, you have to use some common sense. Her only rationale for carrying out the exam was that someone senior who hadn’t seen my grandad had asked her to.

I told her it was time to stop and that we needed to leave him in peace. Then I had to leave the ward because I was so angry. It’s hard having inside knowledge. It’s even harder when our ward provides the most end of life care out of the whole hospital, and we do it so well. I have absolutely no complaints about the care my grandad has received at all, I just think some of the judgements and decisions that have been made have been questionable.

We find it a lot, that doctors don’t want to take responsibility for making the decision to stop treatment and let someone pass away peacefully. I suppose the thing I’ve found difficult is that on my ward, we question our doctors, we advocate for our patients, and if we feel that something isn’t in the best interest of our patients, we’ll fight until we get the right thing for them. The staff who are looking after my grandad seem to blindly follow the doctors instructions, regardless of whether it’s in his interests.

All of his finger tips are bruised from the repeated checking of blood sugars. Yes he’s diabetic, yes he’s not eating and drinking, but yes he’s also dying and there comes a point where you have to draw a line and make someone comfortable. Where you have to question the purpose of what you’re subjecting someone to and whether it’s the kindest thing to do.

Thankfully today they’ve stopped everything. He’s been a little agitated so they’ve given him some medication and it’s just a matter of time. I’m so glad he’s been allowed this time to just be peaceful. I’m so glad my grandma, my dad, and uncle and auntie have been able to sit with him without all the intervention.

It’s heartbreaking, watching someone die. It’s a million times worse when the person you’re watching belongs to you. I’m sad almost that he didn’t just slip away overnight last night when no one was with him because I know how soul destroying it is to sit and watch someone take every breath, watching them turn into the furthest thing from themselves.

Xx