I am doing what I need to do to make the break from my marriage.
I have a lot more figured out this time around. I realize fully everything I am giving up. I know that I will most likely struggle as a poor, divorced woman for quite some time. I will lose a lot of privileges, such as financial and in a way, emotional protection. I will lost the nice things my husband DOES do for me, like indulge me in my vintage jewelry fetish. He loves the hunt for silver, and finding it appeals to his sense of frugality. I think he imagines me melting all the silver he finds into bars and stacking them neatly in my dresser drawer to spend in our later years.
More like I’m selling it on ebay to help me get the fuck outta here.
It’s not horrible here, as long as one can live with someone that has no interest in his own children or spouse, or at least not interacting with them in a family way. My husband works hard for a living, but is stingy in so many ways, even though I know that sounds contradictory.
People used to tease him for being cheap, but now they are openly disgusted by his cheapness, because they have seen it cost him money in the long run over and over again, and it makes them think he’s ignorant in a sense. Well, he’s obstinate AND ignorant, in many ways.
Like I said, this time, I fully realize what I will be leaving behind, and I have decided over a very long and painful course of five years that I am no longer willing to sacrifice the important things in life for the second most important things in life. To me, that is. Someone else’s idea of what is important and my idea of what is important is obviously going to vary widely.
But yeah, I’m over this.
I have money stashed at my best friend’s house. I have been giving him money here and there and he has been putting it away for me. I have enough for first and last months rent. I need about another 500 dollars, which will take me a few months to earn. I plan on being moved out before school starts up again, and that is a definite. This time, I am going, even if I have to move in with my girlfriend or my best friend. I’m getting out no matter what, and when I’m out I will find a way to make it, come hell or high water.
I will get some child support and some transitional support. I may even get alimony. I need to retain a lawyer, so it’s vital that I keep saving. I pulled another fifty dollars out of today’s wage and it’s adding up faster than I thought it would.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Even though I feel beat down and helpless, I don’t want my present to be my future. Coming to this conclusion was so painful that I really don’t feel the need to dwell on what is wrong with my marriage or bash my husband. I’ve done enough of that to last me a lifetime. I want to concentrate on the future and what lies ahead.
I want to execute my escape.
But I need a place to go while I plan and prepare, where I can let my feelings spill out with no fear of retribution. I need to write down my fears as if I were trying to intimidate them, or make them go away.
I am hopeful. Even amid all this fear and uncertainty, I am hopeful that I can make it on my own. I am reaching down for every ounce of strength inside of me, going against everyone’s wishes in pursuit of my own peace and happiness.
For once in my life, I’m being selfish. It scares me to death to have to depend on myself. It scares me to end my kids’ life as they know it because I am miserable with their father. It scares me to break up my family. In the face of it all, I WANT THIS, and I will face it all with dignity and remain strong in the face of controversy between my family and my husband’s family. I’ve been married for 25 years. I know NOTHING else.
I don’t want to end up in section 8 housing, filling out free school lunch papers and calling my ex husband to buy me milk because I can’t feed my kid. I don’t want to live in a run down trailer or worse, a motor home or a shelter. God only knows what will happen to me. I HAVE to have my husband’s help and God help me, I hope I get it.
I’m beyond petrified. I’m downright terrified.
But nobody has to know that but me.
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