I feel as if I’m withering away without sex.
My husband made a fatal mistake. He does not seem to have complete erectile dysfunction, but something is definitely physically wrong with him. He went to the doctor six months ago to get a check up, blood work and to discuss his “problem.”
The doctor gave him a prescription for Viagra, and then called him upon receipt of his test results and told him to hold off on taking the prescription. Evidently, his red blood cell count was too high.
A month later, they retested him and his WHITE count was too high.
A month later, the red blood count up again.
Now, he just had his fourth blood test and the doctor told him that he would need another test in a month.
WTF?
It’s like, I know my husband is practically a mute. I know he has communication issues and it isn’t uncommon for him to give commands rather than speak in sentences. But, who has NO idea what is medically wrong with them or at the very least, what is troubling the doctor about his or her blood work?
Now, keep in mind I do not mind my husband not wanting to have sex with me because I do not like or love him enough to find him anything less than repulsive. He also has a habit of not so great hygiene and is an alcoholic, so it just goes without saying that I was grateful he was not asking me for sex or touching me.
But, one day, while standing at the sink brushing my teeth and wearing only underpants and knee high boots, I wondered to myself what red blooded american male would be able to keep from slapping an ass in THAT situation, and it occurred to me that he had not touched me in months…like almost a years worth of months.
At first I was angry, then a little ashamed that it had taken me so long to notice his lack of affection.
When confronted, my husband claimed to still find me sexually attractive but that he was afraid to start something he couldn’t finish, (and he was humiliated by that I’m sure ) and that he was afraid if he touched me and found himself unable to perform, it would be uncomfortable for both of us.
At first, I was stunned. I wanted to blurt out “YOU IDIOT!” Then, “ARE YOU SERIOUS GOD? THIS IS WHAT YOU GAVE ME???” I mean, REALLY?! What man does not realize or understand that you can please a woman with your mouth, hands, various dildos, etc.
I mean, this was his answer? To hide from me? To keep his hands to himself in the hopes that I will appreciate him for all his other redeeming qualities?
For Christs’ sake, a normal man would have been working overtime to get his wife OFF so that she did not feel less sexy, or less anything! Does it take a brilliant man to figure this out?
I think not.
So, as mentioned earlier, his fatal mistake was that when he lost HIS sexual capability, he automatically robbed me of MINE. He never once thought about MY pleasure or satisfaction, and if he did, he was too damn introverted and autistic to realize that it was vital to do just that. Satisfy ME in another way, you dumbass. How totally inept could you be, you fucking ENGINEER. This is what I’m dealing with.
Anyways, I ain’t waiting around long enough for Dipshit to figure out that a sexless, cold, silent relationship void of any intimacy or fun just ain’t gonna keep a woman happy or even content. And in his defense, I haven’t wanted to kiss him with his rancid breath and unwashed teeth in probably almost ten years now. Kissing him gives me the exact opposite result of what it is supposed to so that rules out foreplay, because that is when he tries to kiss me the most.
I HAVE been faithful to the fox. I don’t even know what it’s like to have sex with someone else besides him or my husband. At least not intimate sex where I feel comfortable and loved. I do not know what its like to lay in bed with a guy and just think about it being for a good time or a sexual release. I wonder if I could enjoy it without crying or feeling empty inside. I wonder if I could lay in bed with someone and not have that familiar love between us. It hurts so much to even think about how someone else might treat me if they didn’t love me.
I am afraid. I feel totally alone. I don’t love my husband and I wonder if he loves me. I know he did for a very long time, but I’m not a good wife in the true fact that I pay little to no attention to him. I barely take the time out to speak to him and he knows I have secrets from him. He takes care of me, and he isn’t mean to me per se, just distant and in his own alcoholic universe. I think I maybe said two words to him all night. You can feel the tension and the distance between us. He has no desire to confront our problems, nor do I, and I think he knows that our relationship can never be repaired or restored to its pre-affair days. He does not trust me, and I spend more time with my best friend than I do him. I know he is willing to look the other way while I fuck someone else, if I choose to.
Now, my lover is admitting that he needs more than me and that I no longer fill his needs. He loves me, but he doesn’t really want to be with me.
I knew it would come down to this in the end. I would end up without the love or security from either my lover or my husband.
Problem is, I ain’t in love with my husband in any way. The fox is still playing his role in his marriage. He is still sheltering her and pretending to go without sex. He is still protecting her feelings and having conversation and enjoyment with his wife. I AM NOT. This is where the crevice starts to grow between the fox and I. The playing field shifted. I don’t care about my husband and he still cares about his wife. He cares if she knows. If my husband found out, it would be a relief. Honestly. It would force him to divorce me and pay me my share of our assets.
My marriage sucked before my affair, but it really sucks after.
I’ve never been more alone.
I hurt so bad.
In my past diary, I would have ended this entry with the words “I don’t know where to turn.” But, I DO know where to turn.
I must turn to the only one left that I can depend on to love me. The only one that won’t hurt me.
I must turn to myself.
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