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After two weeks of letting the phone ring and not answering, I finally spoke to the fox. He sent a text saying he was stopping by where I work, and I immediately sent an angry text saying “NO.” Then, I called him. I tried to hide my pain and I swore at him. I’m still pissed. I did not agree to a meeting of any sort, because I knew if I saw him in person I would break down. To be that physically close to him would be difficult because I do still love this man with all my heart.
He showed up there anyways, late in the day, to talk face to face.
We talked for probably half hour or so, and then he left. He said it was a great effort to get out today, and I believe him.
He also looked me in the eye and told me we had no future. He said he was ready to retire and too tied financially to his wife to leave her. He also admitted he loved her and would stay married to her. He mentioned our age difference, and gave me a few details about his new affair. He said he and I would never live together as a couple.
I think he was ready to dump me.
I panicked.
The look on his face told me he had resigned himself to the fact that it was over between us and that he was staying married and continuing to have affairs because he only has ten or fifteen good years left. The look on his face told me he had categorized me as a once in a lifetime experience, like a really extended vacation. A check mark on his bucket list. He said it would be hard to find someone like me.
Yes, I’m sure he is financially tied to his wife. But, he has more than I do…save for my few extra years of youth. He has a house that he COULD move into, if he wanted to. He owns this house and already pays the mortgage on it, so it’s not like it would cost him any extra to move there. He also rents apartments and could hole up in one of those if he really wanted out. He does not want to give up his lifestyle. The things they have together mean more than me. The cottage means more. The boat means more. The double income and the historical home mean more. Her money means more. All of those things mean more to him than me. Of course they mean more than me. I don’t know how I thought they didn’t. These things are more important to him than a consummate love. She’s more important to him than a woman that can give him total love.
He mentioned her emotional fragility.
I mentioned my own.
The bottom line is, he loves her and wants to spend what’s left of his life with her. Either that, or she finally broke him. He will say that, because it takes the blame off of him. But, truthfully, what kind of man lets a woman break him??? What kind of man claims to be miserable with someone but does not value his own life or himself enough to give himself the gift of happiness? Is it shallowness? Greed? Reputation? Narcissism? Doesn’t being with someone that makes you happy take precedence over being with someone that makes you miserable? I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how he can be happy being hurt over and over again, every time one these long term affairs end.
Now, there is a second affair. A new person that he thinks can make him happy and make the pain go away. A new person to take away my memory.
The person really doesn’t matter. His story about their sexual contact, or limitedness of said contact really doesn’t matter. What matters is that HE ALREADY FOUND HER AND had sexual contact with her. I admit to having an emotional distraction in the form of my good male friend, but in my heart I know I did not share my body with my best friend. I also know in my heart that the fox DID share his body with someone else.
He quit trying because it got too hard. I became too much work. I AM too much work, and I don’t give him enough sex or mental stimulation…he told me that himself, today. He said he needed more than I could give and that the distance between us has made it too hard logistically for us to be together. Because she no longer works, he can’t get away. Money is a problem.
She won.
I always knew she would, but I thought I would remain the one he kept as special, a true soul mate and sexual partner. Why wouldn’t he come see me and put the effort in if I was worth it? I can only assume I was no longer performing my role adequately, and so he sought it out elsewhere. Now that I have had time to digest our discussion from today, and with his admission of it being too difficult to have an affair, I am forced to realize that he may have come there prepared to let me down gently. Hence the need for face to face meeting. He is kindhearted, and did not want to hurt me by leaving an explanation unsaid. He wanted my forgiveness so he did not feel guilty for hurting me.
He will continue to cheat. I grilled him on the way home, after calling his phone over and over and thinking....he’s talking to HER! Or his wife! and not answering my call. When he called me back, I asked him, are you still going to look for someone else to have sex with?
He beat around the bush and tried to avoid the question. He would not fully commit to NOT “fishing” around for a piece of ass closer to home.
Guess that gives me my answer.
Seriously. Fuck my life.
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