Thoughts From Long Ago... in Life in the Lost Lane...

So hey there diary, been a long long time. Sooo as always im here to vent, to be over emotional to just hash it all out. Yeah thats what i get to do on Monday with my new therapist! WooHoo!!! Yes, im one of the many people that need a therapist, ill admit it, i always thought that having one was something dirty, something to be ashamed about. But honestly now, its a relief. This ones a guy, the only reason i got a new one is because my lady one just up and quit the week after i got married, so i was going to go to her in Nov 2014 but alas, that never happened and i was feeling good enough about myself, my life that i didnt think i needed to talk to her. Then Thursday happened, i took my niece that lives oh 75 miles from me out for her bday which is in a couple days. So whilst waiting for her i took her sister out to get ice cream. Somehow caught my tire on a side of the concrete drainage in the street and popped a hole in my tire wall. When i go big, i really go big. Then i was just a nose dive from there. I told my mum and she called which i heard my brother in the background yelling, cause i took my other niece the lil one with me, she’ll be 2 this year!

But anywhos, when i finally got on the road i went and was pretty much under no circumstances told i needed to drive 35 mph, i went 40 cause that was the min speed limit and its quite scary when people are going a bat out of hell and they almost rearend you cause they are not paying attention. Woowee! So i finally make it home after 2 hours, my mom calling every so often to see where i am and whats going on. Im just livid at this point the way they talked to me and told me how fast i needed to drive, especially since i had 3 professionals tell me i could go between 50-60 mph while driving on my donut. So i got home gave the brother the kiddo and just was mad at them. They just dont understand it. Whenever my brother is mad at me, he always, always tells me fine then you dont need to be taking my daughter anywhere again. Which clicks into my mind, 1. you dont trust me with your daughter, 2. you think i will purposely hurt your daughter and 3. im a bad person. Breaks my heart everytime. So the next day when i over heard him tell someone that maybe i would watch the baby he sure got a rude awakening with that. No sir!!! I reamed him the next day good in front of our yard. So he still hasnt talked to me.

Makes me sad, i was talking to my Dad tonight, he was talking about how my brother gets everything and that its not fair. I was like you raised me really well, why change your “training” then he was like we didnt want him to do the same stuff you did. So as a teenager, i just dropped off the face of the earth for 3 months. I couldnt really tell you what happened, i know i drank heavily, i am very a no drug advocate type of person, its never going to be for me, so no thanks. Well i just remember drinking a lot and eating taco bell and when people asked if i wanted anything that they had i would always be like no. My Dad swears that he thought i would have come home pregnant, but he thought the same about Texas. Nope i know i drank to get drunk and that was it. I can say that i WAS an alcoholic and today i can have some and be fine, i dont have to drink as much or as often. But my Dad told me tonight that the reason they gave my brother everything is because they didnt want him to be like me. Im taking this as an offense, i honestly dont remember anything from that time. I pay my bills, i take care of myself and help out with the kids and the house.

I think that im not that bad. But then again, with the things that were said tonight, am i really a good person. Ive only had 2 setbacks that i can even think of. So why after all this time bring it up? I didnt do the drugs, im not that person anymore. I dont ever think i was a bad person, just misguided maybe. When i came home i weighed 135lbs, on someone with a height of 5”8 it looked might sickly. But im super healthy now, overweight, i know not healthy, but i wish i could go back and be like quit eating your gonna be a fat ass! Thats where i got lucky in all of this. My husband, he makes everything better, gets me to understand things. And it totally sucks that hes in prison. Just dumb stuff as a kid, but there has to be a time where they have to be tired of having him there. Hurry the fuck up already! Nope the system loves to move like molasses. This year will be 4 years that weve been together and that has made him realize that he wants something more. So here we are, we have it, this month we will be married 6 months! He says we cant count it until 1 yr, because all the jinxes happens with our family before a year. So i dunno. Im just tired of people judging me for something i did so long ago.

Its sad, it makes me sad, i told my Dad just in general, i think about it all the time, if i could go back and change things i would, but i cant, i regret disappearing (even though i dont remember anything, i know i wasnt a slut or a whore, i have that self preservation too.) Maybe i am meant for greater things, i just need them things to hurry up! I regret moving to Texas, i met a lot of awesome people, but if i could have stopped my brother from experimenting, if i could have been with my husband sooner. As hard as it is to be, we had to wait for our timelines coincided with each other so we could be mentally ready for it. Its very hard. So as i go through bouts of depression, some days are worse than others. I dont want medicine, ive taken it before and i didnt like it at all. Not my thing. Some days i worry that im like bipolar or stupid, or just something!!! Why am i sad, i cant change it, its my past, i dont like it but its there. I have to remember to move forward. At times its really hard! It will be so much easier once my husband is home and i am in his arms. He sees me for me, not the person i was, am or could be. I love him the same, because the past is tere for a reason. Just let us have our fairy tale ending already! I do have to say that this month will be 6 months of us being married, its actually been AWESOME!!! Hes everything think i wanted and so much more. I cant wait for him to either be on parole or just done done with his sentencing i miss him so much every single day!

As Always Dear Diary…Adios!!!

Last updated April 04, 2015