Another day in A new era

We made it through the night. The consensus now seems to be that he doesn’t have aspiration pneumonia, but that his heart is much more damaged than we already knew.

He’s also in a precarious position now he’s off the warfarin, possibility of a clot just became a million times more likely. It’s a terrible catch 22, the first stroke was caused by a clot, therefore warfarin to thin the blood. This second stroke was caused by a bleed, plus he also has an intracranial bleed. So the solution, stop the warfarin. And massively increase the risk of another clot, anywhere around his body, lung, heart, brain.

We were told today that the possibly of him having a cardiac arrest in the next few weeks is sky high. I wasn’t there for the conversation so I don’t know the exact details but I’m assuming it’s related to the warfarin/stopping of the warfarin situation coupled with his weak heart.

He looked more settled today, he was comfortable in bed, he wasn’t flailing about, we were able to have a conversation with him. Mostly him saying he wanted to get up, and he wanted to go home. His right leg has been affected by this latest stroke, they live in a house with stairs, if he makes it out of hospital at all, it’s entirely likely he’ll never set foot in that house again.

I just don’t even know how to process all of this. But right now I wish I was a nurse, I wish I didn’t know any of these things that I know. There are difficult times ahead, difficult conversations to be had, and I know that my family will be looking to me to help guide them.

I just want to be an average 30 year old. I should have been out tonight, drinking cocktails, flirting with inappropriate men. My outfit is hanging on the door, mocking me.

It’s too much to bear, it’s too much to process.

Xx