First entry in a long time in 2015

I don’t know long this is going to be or what all it’s going to cover. This was just going to be another record keeping entry because I had a date on Monday and it went well-ish, and I tend to record that stuff for future reference. However, as I started thinking about it, I wanted to write.
The Amber situation seems to be the thing that’s best kept me off of Prosebox in that it’s depressed me to the point where I didn’t want to do anything. The night that I indicated in the previous entry (January?) I managed to seduce her. She created an account on a website that specifically listed a bunch of stuff that she was interested in. Armed with that, I made my move. It worked. And for about a week we were happy. However, by our second meeting, cracks were showing. The third week was a disaster. We ended things about a week or two later. I then pined a bit, but not in the usual way. She was so miserable during Hedda Gabler and demonstrated so thoroughly that she’s not the girl that she used to be that it made it a lot easier to just say, “I’m done.” I dislike who she is now, but I do feel some pity for her. Still, there’s nothing to be done. She’s losing her old friends in favor of new friends, and I think that’s just something we have to accept. She’s reacting to some personal problems by creating a new life, and we’re all being cut out. I think all of us are aware of what she’s doing and why. We don’t think she is. But she’s a stubborn bitch and won’t talk to anybody about anything anyway.
So, I finally got to do Hedda Gabler. Wish I hadn’t. I was Eilert even, but the show . . . it was not good. About half of the cast managed to be professional while not caring. The other half was unprofessional and didn’t care. Amber (Hedda) wants our Tessman HARD, and so their scenes were far too affectionate. See, our Tessman has a girlfriend who Amber also likes, so she won’t actually make a move, but their backstage flirtation was such that, at a cast party, when it came out that Tessman WASN’T cheating on his girlfriend the rest of the assembled cast members expressed surprise. This infuriated Amber, who, the next day, had Tessman repeatedly smack her on the ass with a belt as she made pinup faces into the mirror so he could see. In front of everybody. Yeah . . . Anyway, our Tessman was more interested in Amber than he was in his role. So, Hedda was played as a weak neurotic with moments of frustrated strength. Our Tessman was played as comic relief rather than as an idiot who is unaware of himself and tries to stifle anything that he actually does have internally. Our Judge Brak just played him as a one dimensional creeper rather than as the lawful evil magnificent bastard that he is. Thea was double cast, one girl was 17 and hadn’t ever had a real part in an adult show before. She was professional, but too young to do the material justice. The other Thea was upset at not having gotten Hedda (Amber rocked the audition, but collapsed during rehearsals, while our second Thea didn’t do so well in the audition). She is also way too busy and not into this kind of show anyway. Meanwhile, I gave it my all as Eilert, but he exists relative to other characters. So . . . very limited as to what I can do. And Amber’s obvious dislike for me came across onstage. Which was also frustrating. I wanted to say, “You’ve usually been good at pretending to care about me,” but refrained as there was enough drama backstage already. Making that situation worse, I’ve lost all respect for the actor who was Tessman. If he wants to break up with his girlfriend and date Amber, that’s fine. She and her fetlife boyfriend are looking for thirds. However, if he (Tessman) insists on staying with his unsuitable girlfriend, he should at least have the decency to maintain public decency. He also seems to disagree with a lot of Amber’s choices, but he won’t do anything about it because he doesn’t think she’d listen (possible) but, more and more, I think that he just likes benefiting from them.
Other relationships are kind of mixed. I’ve gotten really close to this girl Anna who I’ve known for a year at the theater. She’s 15, which is nice, because 13 years is WAY too much of an age difference for a relationship to be possible. For whatever reason, I find it easier to talk to women than to men. However, I have a bad habit of falling for my friends (as 2/3rds of my readers can attest). Anna has a finely tuned bullshit detector, which she uses to call me out on things, but likes hanging out with me anyway. She’s just a great girl, and my friendship with her is the only good thing to come out of Hedda Gabler (beyond my amazing costumes).
While the Amber thing was in a downward spiral, I started using some dating sites. I’ve been on a few dates. They haven’t generally gone well. I went over to the dorm of one of them on Monday and things went pretty well. It’s our third or fourth time hanging out. And we’ve been talking quite a bit for about two months. She’s a nice girl. We’re not relationship compatible, but, she’s fun, and I’m rediscovering a bit of confidence.
Actually, the confidence streak began in a very unlikely place: A theater back rub. At the old days, at Starlight, I was known for my back massages. Seduction method one: Charisma. After that, you do the back massage. The rest was pretty easy from that point on. Anyway, I lost faith in those in ‘09 with Amber. She had a lot of issues back then, and I never thought I was good at anything. Turns out she just wasn’t psychologically ready for what we were doing and, as such, made it seem like she didn’t like things, though she’d then ask for more. Mixed signals. Add to that the stories from Rachael and Niki about how their next boyfriends were SO great, and the miserable experience of dating two Chinese girls, I’d lost a lot of faith in my ability to actually do anything right. Feeling the power you have over another person when you make them feel good . . . I hadn’t had it in ages. Again, Anna is 15, and the back rub took place fully clothed with frequent witnesses and, therefore, while it couldn’t be anything in the nature of inappropriate, I felt a faint echo of a feeling that I’d had long before. And I liked it. I think that’s part of why I had my Monday date. To be honest, the girl is cute, but I’m not that interested in her physically (we’re good friends, though). But to have power over another person through simple physical stimulation? It’s amazing. I really feel like things took a turn for me that day with Anna. For the first time in six years, I actually felt confident. Applied it on Monday in a real situation. Results were good. It’s been nice to feel like a real person again.
In other news, I was offered the role of Ching Ho in Thoroughly Modern Millie at Birmingham Village Players. They’re the #2 amateur group in this part of the state. It’s an amazing honor. I took it. I’m excited to actually have a chance to meet new people who live near me. Internet dating sites suck. I miss having a bevy of pretty actresses who live within easy distance. I think that’ll be nice. Not for general slutting purposes only, but also to make new friends. Something I really think that I need.
I feel bad, not just for neglecting Prosebox, but also for neglecting my friends. Especially Kat and Courtney. But also everybody else. I’ve just been a mess over the Amber situation, and then over Hedda. Now? I think I’m doing better. I’ve got a good role in a good show. I’ve got the opportunities for friends. I feel like I’m capable of romancing women again. It’s finally spring so I can go on my walks again. I’ve got a wonderful new friendship with Anna to explore. I’ve got Jordan for occasional fun times and frequent conversations.
I also may or may not have gotten into JET . . .
Not a bad start for the Spring.