hindsight in 2015

March 25, 2015
6:02pm

It’s hard to believe how light it is outside still. Feels like the middle of the day and technically we should be closed already. Stuck on a phone call though and will probably be here a while. Mostly I want to go home, BBQ, and drink beer out in the courtyard. That sounds amazingly nice right now. [and kind of like I’m an old man, but we’ll ignore that]

I don’t know why I like to torture myself so much. Some sick masochism, or something. But I’ve been going back through a bunch of old text messages recently [mostly just trying to clear my phone] and it’s brought up a lot of stuff. Kinda like the way you go back and read entries and they cause all sorts of reminiscing to happen.

Anyway, a lot of it has been CK-related because his messages do seem to take up the bulk of my phone space. It’s interesting

Yikes, it’s been 3 days and I totally forgot that I even started this entry. I really need to keep better track of them, or try really hard to finish before I walk away from the computer. That’s what I get for doing these things at work though.

So yeah, the CK thing, which is like the bane of my existence for forever. Although it’s not completely horrible. I just like to pretend like it’s the worst thing ever and I’m not really letting myself fall back into it every single time. [But I totally am]

It’s just interesting to go back and look through all those old messages. I can see how things were moving along, and apparently all the jokes I totally missed. I’ve mentioned this before, he’s always so serious that I can’t tell and I don’t want to read it the wrong way. Hindsight’s always 20/20 though, ain’t it? And I liked being able to read back and see the moments that he was obviously thinking about me and wanting to hang out. Like the way he disappeared to Canada [only telling me his phone would be off a few days and then leaving me in the dark (causing all kinds of over-analyzing on my part. ha)] and then came back and immediately sent me a text when he hit Seattle.

That’s sorta like the moment where things turned around. I think. Because shortly after that he told me about the new beer he found and then I ended up going over to his place when the “parents” went out of town. Followed by that whole October meeting that suddenly made everything awkward and weird. I’m still not even sure what happened there. Misunderstandings? Mis-communications? Unspoken words? =\

I’m having a horrible time finishing this darn thing. It’s been another day and at this point I’m not even really sure where I was going to go with it. Probably just a whole bunch of stuff about him, about how things were going along, about moments where they changed (for better or worse), about being stuck in this damn space where I can’t figure out where my brain wants to go with it.

Time to go.

rose.
9:11pm