Food Fight in Food Angst

My lifelong fight with food continues. Now that I have started working out with a personal trainer, I’ve been doing my best to get control of my appetite and eat lo carb, lo cal. The first couple of days were the worst and I wasn’t eating well. The last few days I’ve done a better job, but I am really struggling with eating enough food. After throwing out two meat dishes I had prepared because they tasted bad to me (I am so off meat for some reason, it’s just gross) I was really struggling to find anything I could eat. So I haven’t been eating enough and feel really crappy. Then I got a really bad cold and felt so bad. I spent two days drinking diet coke and eating cough drops, while my nose ran and I coughed every minute it felt like. Yesterday was awful. Today I woke up and finally the irritating cough and drip are gone, but my chest is very congested and breathing is hard. Even so, I’ll take this over the other.

I’ve been taking it very easy because I’ve felt so ill, but also because the personal training finally kicked the snot out of me. Thursday I did a lower body workout that included squats and 25 minutes on the bike, in addition to all sorts of weight machines aimed at the lower body. The severe, almost debilitating soreness kicked in about noon yesterday. Right when I finished my upper body workout. (Yeah, I went and worked out even while feeling poorly!) It’s a good thing I don’t have a workout this weekend, because I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I can barely shuffle from couch to bed to toilet, my legs are that bad. I’ve had 4 sessions of personal training now, and I’m starting to think they were being really easy on me at first. I want them to be tough with me. I need this badly. My body is so soft and weak. Still, this shit hurts. All that being said, give me a workout like this as opposed to running or walking.

So today I am watching recorded shows and trying to remember to eat even though I am not hungry. It is so hard to do the program I’m doing when I can’t handle cooking meat and then eating it. Today I had an Atkins frozen meal which was okay and filling. This morning I had 2 eggs. Tonight I don’t want anything. Just a hot soak in the tub and an early bedtime. Choices are very limited. I’ve been eating eggs, salads, almonds, cheese and that’s getting old. I can add in more vegetables and try for a variety of meats if I can get past the queasiness I am feeling. I feel like I need to do Atkins because it works fast and gives you energy, and not really a way to screw up if you do it right. I could try something else but I’ve never found anything else that kills my appetite like this plan.

Monday is Abby’s birthday. I am not going to her party today, but I told her I would do a little private party for her Monday afternoon. She will be six. That’s staggering to me. What a long and short six years.