Gambling in On loves.

There have been many riveting moments in our non-relationship, and I’ve been hesitant to acknowledge them - whether in writing or indulging in letting them roll around in my brain - for fear that we will crumble and I’ll be left with an undeniable understanding of just how good it all was. But it’s been seven months of the best relationship (legitimate or not) of my life, and so I recount these moments here so you can tell me what they mean, as I have no idea.

Like when he held me when I crumpled into him on Valentine’s Day, boozy and teary over a fucked up childhood, and I later kept making joking references to crying, and he told me not to do that, not to diminish the legitimacy of that moment. Or when we went to the Sutro Bath Ruins on our second date, in August, and I felt uneasy near the big rocks by the ocean, in the dark with this person I barely knew and then four months later, we drank pomegranate wine on the beach and had sex on the sand, with the Golden Gate Bridge to our right and the ocean waves crashing behind us and he promised we wouldn’t get swept away and drown and with my back to the sea, I had an orgasm. Or all the times he’s pulled me to him and asked why am I so cute? or why am I so snuggly? Or the time he paused in a cab and told me I was so weird and then said my being weird was one of the most attractive things about me. Or when I went to his house and, upon inquiring, was told that the can of smoked oysters on his bedroom dresser were because he saw them at the grocery store and knew I liked them and bought them for me. Or the time i invited myself over late at night, even though I had to be up early the next morning, only to fall asleep two minutes into snuggling up next to him, and we’ve had sex every time before then since October and every time since then, but all I wanted in that moment was to feel his body next to mine. Or the time he was driving and I told him to stop in the middle of the road because I saw a stop sign he didn’t, and he stopped and there were cars all around, and then I realized he didn’t actually have a stop sign at all, and he didn’t get mad or act like I was a complete moron even though I truly, truly am. Or the sound of his laughter when I make an unexpected joke, and the pillow that he throws over my face in a feigned attempt to smother me when the joke is at his expense. Or how he turns serious sometimes and gives people the best, most blunt advice in a way they’re totally receptive to. Or when he tried to convince me over text that history is fun by saying things like “The most prominent leader in Greece during the last half of the 5th century BC was driven out of Athens because he was accused of breaking the penis off of all the Hermes statues in the city” and “In his letters to Josephine, Napoleon Bonaparte discusses his interest in going down on her” and “In The Symposium, one of the most best-regarded texts by Plato, the leader of Athens - completely hammered - crashes a deep philosophical discussion between Athens’ greatest minds, in order to berate Socrates for like 5 pages about the fact that Socrates refuses to bang him,” and then he says he celebrated National Puppy Day by sniffing butts and eating garbage. Or how, every time we fuck, I always have a fleeting thought, the cheesiness of which embarrasses me even at the moment it enters my mind, and I feel too silly to say it here. Or the way I’ve been insecure and paranoid and hesitant and questioned if a relationship is worth having even if it never will turn into a real relationship and how we’ve both been so guarded and slow to open up, but we’re doing it and it’s glacial but screw other people’s ideas of appropriate timing or what the pace should be or if they think I should be threatening to end it all if he doesn’t give us a label, because it’s the sweetest, funnest, happiest, kindest, healthiest, and goddamned hottest relationship that I’ve been in and it might be a fake relationship but it’s a real one, too, you know.

I don’t need you to tell me you love me back, I said. I just got tired of not saying it.

And isn’t that the truth.

Last updated March 24, 2015