28 years doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but it can be enough to make plenty of mistakes. This is especially true for people like me who have spent a good portion of it giving in to the whims of my highs and lows. Recently I learned not to not be ashamed of those mistakes anymore. If I hadn’t given in, I would have missed out on so many unique lessons and really fun times.
This all came about when I was considering the difference between having bi-polar and being bi-polar. When I was in crisis, I was told not to identify myself by my illness. Almost 9 months of that and I was basically conditioned to believe my illness was simply that and had nothing to do with who I am as a person. Almost 6 years later I started to have doubts.
I understand why I was taught that. They don’t want us to give into our symptoms and allow it to take control. I get it. At the same time, being fed this half truth as opposed to the whole truth lead to a long stretch of serious identity issues.
Bi-polar effects everything. How we relate to others. How we perceive time. Even how we choose our music and taste our food. I never knew where my decisions were coming from. Was it me or my illness? Bi-polar became the only constant for which I could measure who I was, how I was feeling and why I was feeling it. With out it, I had no idea who K is. With that being said, how is it that I am not bi-polar?
Therapy has gotten a lot more productive lately. He said something that changed everything. “You’re a woman, a witch, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a student and a girlfriend. You can be so many things and all of them will affect your decisions. Why can’t you be one more? What is the difference between making a decision as a student and making a decision as a manic depressive. Today you are depressed, but you made the rational decision to go home today to do homework instead of going out. So long as you believe you are making the right choice why does one facet of who you are have to be bad and the others are good?”
Slowly I’ve been accepting that I am bi-polar for better and for worse. There is nothing wrong with it. I’m already juggling so many other pieces of me, so whats one more?
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